Day 29 of 30

Not too many words for this post...but an interesting youtube video as to why you need to eat organic..watch and try to eat organic if you can.

Day 28 of 30

Off late I haven't been feeling very well...had my annual early this year...my doc gave me thumps up after seeing my reports.But i just don't feel good. Don't get deep sleep, have weird dreams, when i wake up next morning, don't feel well rested.

Last few months, its like my energy is zapped..I always attributed to being over weight and was focusing on losing weight..And to be honest i am not super heavy, i need to lost about 10 pounds to get back into my healthy BMI range. 

Couple of months ago, my contacts started to hurt...i thought they weren't clean enough, used another pair, next day same story...went to eye doctor, he checked and said there seem to be some infection and asked me not to wear them for a couple of weeks and i should be fine...i wore my contacts on Monday after six week of wearing glasses...same story...darn something isn't right.

Then in a fluke, i came upon mercury toxicity. I am a healthy eater for the most part...don't eat processed food that much, minimal use of microwave, since I got preggos, have reduced use of cosmetics too. I don't eat fish that often for the fear of mercury content.Guess what, i was avoiding fish fearing mercury, while having mercury sitting in my mouth...oh yes...it never occurred to me, i have mercury fillings in my teeth, conveniently called silver fillings...darn i dint even know it was mercury.

I looked up for mercury toxicity symptoms and guess what i fir the bill to the tee...I have dry mouth, disturbed sleep, metallic taste in mouth...all these things that are never accounted for in your annual checkups...

My reaction...oh god..what do i do now? the only solution...have to cleanse my system of heavy metals and get my filling removed...and then again with the help of google...found a couple of holistic dentists in my area...removal of mercury filings is no joke, it is a very detailed careful process and costs are not pretty...

And to add to the woes, D has a 'silver filling' too...and he got it about 5 years ago and i have mine since 15 yrs..no wonder little A has eczema and food sensitivity...I kept wondering, why she got those problems, while none in our family has skin problems...now I almost found a reason...

As soon as i can walk on my 2 feet, i am going to get my toxicity test done and see if my guess is correct and if yes...then will come the removal and cleanse...and my purse is going to be considerably lighter.

I wonder, how something as dangerous as mercury is used as dental filling...with all the hullaboo about don't eat too much fish...dentists are putting them in our mouths...who do you trust...you cant know everything...

Why this post...to warn anyone who comes across this blog to be aware of the toxicity of these 'silver fillings' and educate people around you. In this toxic laden world, money hungry companies, no one ever realizes that were are killing ourselves...having sick children means a a sick world which seem to be getting sicker to each generation.

Everything we use has things that are not good for your health, shampoo, lipstick and all the cosmetics have parabens which can cause cancer and your food has pesticides and is genetically modified. Why is it so hard to live in tune with nature, why create things that are harmful to life..IS our 'science' all about going against the nature...should it be, how do we make products in tune with nature...why is it so hard?

Day 27 of 30

Its been ages since i wrote to the blog and realized i have never completed my 30 day blogging task...goes it show the focus, determination i have..well don't the actions speak louder than the words.

I will someday finish the 30 posts...this is the 27th, only 3 more to go...but who can ever say, how long it will take 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or even 3 years...

Since my prev posts..lot of things have happened...oh well..isn't that life, it would be so darn boring if things were to remain the same every single day of the life. 

The most important happening, is that i broke my foot..wondering how...no.no..i wasn't playing any sport nor was running or doing anything close to strenuous physical activity...the simple action of walking and my foot flipping to a side..cause my 5ht metatarsal to break...good news is it was not displaced. This happened about 4 weeks ago..I am on crutches and an air cast boot. I went to the doc yesterday, hoping he will say, all healed, you can now stop hopping and go back to walking on your two wonderful feet..no..that was not what happened..he looked with some intensity at my x-ray and said 'it is healing...but not much' .I couldn't believe it , how can it be, isn't it suppose to significantly heal within in 4 weeks...how much longer i asked, he said, lets see 3 more weeks and if things aren't moving as fast, i will refer to orthopedic surgeon and explore options for surgery...WHAT...walking and flipping...cannot cause all this,wait..walking and flipping cant, but bad luck..oh...with the recent turn of events, i can confidently say bad luck has become my best friend, just doesn't want to part with me.

So, with the recent forced resting, given my limited mobility, i have watched enough junk on youtube, and enough free movies in there, that our bandwidth limit is almost up..so D warned, not to watch any more crap..oh well, how else was i supposed to kill time.I cant go to buy a book, nor can i rent it from library...what, D can bring it for me..yes, he can, but i rather not answer his million questions..

Thanks to my hours and hours of being glued to youtube videos..i have seen product reviews for all makeup products and how to get a certain look. Learned all about detox and cleansing, was so motivated that wanted to get rid of toxins, heavy metals in my body right away, but realized, cant rush to the bathroom with my crutches..so have postponed it to a later date.

Another good thing, that happened is, i am not spending as much, cant go shopping..but will shop with vengence as soon as i can walk on both feet.But i did hop to shoppers drug mart and bought a tinted moisturizer from physicans formula and a mocha kohl pencil from almay.

Thanks to my browsing, i am now sticking as much as possible to dye free, paraben free makeup. And the fact that little A is showing interest in it , makes it very important that she doesnt get exposed to ahrsh chemicals so young.

So, i am planning on making my own homemade kohl and lip stick/lip gloss...will tell how that goes..

So, that was it...Life is keeping me occupied..if i have time to spend, i am spending browsing the internet...what would have happened to me, if there was no internet...maybe i would have read a good book, did some floor exercises and meditate   :)

Day 26 to30

Hmm...when sad things happen, they become bearable if you have company..But dealing with loss alone, is like a punishment. Hardest thing. I think this is the hardest time i have ever had experienced, never felt so vulnerable and lost before.

Trying to be a do-all mommy, putting up a brave front for parents and missing husband.Things take totally new meaning.Things that i took for granted for seem like luxuries, small day to day things seem difficult.

One thing i realized, i don't have lot of  2am friends in the city i live, who are just a call away to come running..man, i must be really bad at making friends. I cannot help but try to remember if i was compassionate and ready to run to help for my friends bad time. Actually  i never helped until unless asked for. Realized now, that people in distress do not always ask for help openly.

Every incident, every situation changes the way you think, look at things, this one has a very profound change.Some relationships have shown their true color, how people expect other people to be there for them and when its their turn, are nowhere to be seen...bitter truth of life.

Hopefully i can bring the strength from within to live through this tough time.they say god gives difficulties to people who are able to deal with them.I am sure, i have it somewhere in me, to deal with all this, i just have to keep searching for that strength i guess.

Day 25 of 30

Sitting at home, doing nothing.Trying to deal with the loss and waiting for the physical aspect of it to come to an end.I am ready for the pain to arrive and with it, take me totally out of this loss, and complete my grieving.But it seems to be taking its own sweet time.Well, who can rush the nature, it does what it has do, when it has to do.Meanwhile i decided to vent it out on my dear blog(which never complains!!!).

I am trying to be unattached and be pratical and believe that 'whatever happens, happens for good', but its hard not to introspect, hard not to find a reason to attribute to the loss.Its human nature I think to be able to find a reason for everything that happens. Well, i am trying to put to best use, the time i have. Wanted to do some retail therapy, but at this time and situation, dont think that will help. Yesterday spent a couple of hours, in a book store.Was at chapters, the sweet aroma of coffee and the abundance of books, always perks me up.But yesterday was different, i was wandering aimlessly in the store, scanning through books aisle after aisle. Went to the the 'Self help' section..'Change how you live' , 'A new you in 30 days' ,'Transform Yourself', were some of the titles, a smile broke out. How naive, can reading a book transform your life, can doing something someone asks you to do change your perspective. It may influence you to an extent but will not change you to be a better person. If you are experiencing a loss, when you read of other people having same loss and come through it, it gives you hope that you will come out of it too. But does it change how you look at life, does it change you as a person, its debatable.

I walked past that aisle and went to the biographies section and none compelled me to read their story, not M.K.Gandhi, not Hitler, not Nelson Mandela, their biographies at that time, did not seem appealing, given another time, i would be jumping at the sight of them.As my eyes scanned through, i saw the words 'I carry my cross' or something like that. It was either a book by musician or was a music album. My eyes did not want to know more that those words. How true were they . We all carry our cross, even Lord Jesus wasnt spared, he had to carry his own. And there i was, carrying my own cross, it felt a little heavy, but quitely i was trudging along with its weight on my shoulders and as i looked around, i saw people, heads into books, some staring at their laptops, some talking animatedly with a coffee in a hand and a very few, not doing anything. All of these people too were carrying their cross. We dont know what each person is going through, our pain looks the biggest.

I picked up biography of Steve Jobs and a book on Hatha Yoga, and when paying for it, decided to buy a couple of caramel candies, afterall the cross wasnt that heavy, that i couldnt eat a candy.

Day 24 of 30

Well...i abuse my blog and am here when i need it and forget it conviniently when i dont. Today is one of those days.

I always thought i was in control of my life...i always did what i wanted and never let anyone impose anything on me.Me and my mother were always at logger heads because of this nature of mine. And I was shamelessly proud of my very independant and fierce nature.Well, the course of nature is ,that it shows everyone its place when the time is right.

So, it had to happen to me as well, call it nature/God, decided to show who the boss was and how my illusioned control over my life was just that..an illusion.When you read a lot of philosophical books, more or less, they all say, surrender to the nature and be happy in whatever condition and situation.And its that inability to surrender to the supreme decision maker that cause the pain and the grief.

I was told, the lesson is only given when the disciple is ready, looks like i am ready and the lesson is given.Now its upto me, to see if i will graciously accept the lesson and learn the moral, or will sulk and go the blaming route.I am putting a brave front and trying to surrender to the supreme , only time will tell if i am successful or not.

Day 23 of 30

Oh no...i haven't forgotten my 30-days post-a-day deal, but somehow i am not able to find enough meat to write about everyday, for the fear of becoming boring, i decided to write when there is really something to write about. And today there is something i feel like writing about.

Virtual Relationships..i dint think much about them..they were virtual after all i thought, you don't see the person, you need to believe in the words in which he/she decides to portray himself/herself. I believed everyone wanted to paint a rosy picture about themselves, never would let the bad side peep through. Also maybe meeting some people i had very high opinion on in virtual life, was like flattening of a big inflated balloon with a small prick, when met in flesh and blood..some people live a double life, one for the virtual world and one for the real..So, all in all, virtual relationships, were a big Nayy for me

I surprised myself in the past few days,I actually felt very emotional for someone, i haven't seen, spoken or known personally, other than interacting over the world wide web. The pain and the struggle and the eventual happiness that was blessed to her, made me react the same way, i would react to a very close friend of mine. The feelings of feeling bad,as though disappointed by a long time friend, a deep emotional feeling when read about her reaction and a throat choking feeling when the long awaited dream came true. The 'me' who was a non-believer of virtual relationships was reacting like this.All these feelings for someone i have never met and don't see any chance of meeting in the near future, for all you know, we may never meet.

One is the person i mentioned about before who moved me emotionally and another is a another strong lady who has managed to bring tears to me eyes, though i never told her this and since she is a regular reader of this blog, i am sure, she knows i am talking about her.In the deepest of my heart, i have always wanted her to have all the happiness and the little angel in her life, all the love.

So, moral of the story..err post today is that human emotions, don't rely on real or virtual paltform. The feeling of bonding among people can happen even when you don't see them.You wish well for people who are not even remotely connected to you. Strange is the power of the world wide web and of human emotions.

PS:I shall be coming here to finish my Day 30 somehow, but until something strongly compels me to put my feelings into words, i wont come here just because i have to.So...i learnt a new thing about me, that my mother always says, 'Its very hard to impose anything on me' :). Darn, somehow mother's know everything.

Day 22 of 30

When I was wondering what do i write for my blog..this topic came up to my mind and also was reminded of this with something i was reading my night time reading book(oh yes..i picked up another book!!!)

Education. And what has become of it. I did my schooling in the '80's and early '90's and went to a convent. It was the days when not everyone was either a engineer or a doctor, those were the days when parents wanted their kids educated unlike today where the parents monitor their kids grades with a fanatic approach. I have a couple of cousins about 12 yrs younger to me and i saw her schooling and felt very very sorry for them.

I am still not so familiar to North American approach of education, so i am talking mainly about India and specifically south India.

When i was at school, we had a subject called 'Moral Science' and i liked it a lot coz, there was no exam for this subject. It was basically to imbibe moral values in the children. How important it was, more important than maths and science. It is somehow forgotten that living with morals is as important as living as humans. As humans we are blessed with something called 'free will' and no one teaches us how to use it. One story i remember vividly even today is that of the woodcutter and the axe. what a great way to teach children that greed is no good.My cousins never had this subject. I feel sorry for them for all the valuable moral lessons they missed at the tender age, where they register in mind much faster and stay longer.

And we had 'Music' class...oh yes, and we were taught songs in different languages. Even if you sang in tune or not, it dint matter, we all at the top of voices repeated what our music teacher crooned. It was a great experience, no pressure to perform better or rather outperform others. I still remember some of the songs we learnt..one of the songs we learnt was 'eklaa chalo eklaa chalo' by rabindrantah tagore and another song is 'yee maro mathi..matti ke sumilo...'a assamese patriotic song...what a great way to introduce different languages of the country and help develop respect for all, as opposed to claiming each one's language greater than others..Oh well, my cousins did not have this class too...time is too precious to be spent singing is the motto of modern day schools

And we had another class 'SUPW/Needlework' , I don't quite remember what SUPW meant , but it was like the crafts class and yes 'needlework' meant that...everyone had to sew, no matter if you were a guy or girl...but our teacher did cut some slack and gave choice of sewing or crafts. I learnt my basic stitching skills in that class and now helps mend a broken button now and then.

And we had 'Games' class, this was to get out in the large playground we had and play a game of any choice..and no, we did have the choice to sit and talk under the trees, you had to be mobile. Thanks to that i played badminton and tried my hand at volleyball. wonderful way to keep everyone active and healthy.

We had drill every Wednesday when multiple classes were combined for the drill.
My cousin's schooling was carrying heavy books to school early in the morning and coming back home late in the evening, after Grade 7, you have no life. study all the time(mug the subjects to a point that you remember every line in the textbook), but no ability to apply it to a situation or in real life.What a waste of precious childhood and adolescence. The impression forming years are passed by without any education that will last a lifetime.

Back in my schooling days, on some days, some adventurous teachers to take the class outdoors, under the shade of the trees, my cousin's dint have that privilege, they don't even a single tree in the school premises and forget the playground.They are still not graduated yet and they have stress related problems, BP, tension and anxiety and the undue pressure of the parents to excel in maths or science is doing no good either. I was never a star student, 70% was great percentage for me, my cousins get over 95% and still are not happy and neither are their parents.

Sometimes i wonder if in the name of education, we are ruining childhoods and robbing them the opportunity to learn the life in the race to excel in maths and science. Shouldn't schools be a place a good human being is raised , shouldn't it be the place a teacher imparts knowledge in every thing essential to be a good person? Why is this little detail overlooked.

Now that i have a daughter who in a few years will be going to school, i wonder what education she would get....

Day 21 of 30

Oh well...i havent been sick all along...me and everyone else at home got better a while ago and neither did i abandon my 'project 30' that i had so enthusiastically started, but something else is taking my time and attention, wondering what , its 'man-eater of malgudi'. I havent been able to keep this book down, R.K.Narayan's simple yet very vivid descriptions kept me hooked. I usually write my blog, after dinner, when A sleeps and i have 'my time' for about 30-45 mins and now that time was hijacked by the 'man-eater of malgudi'. I finally finished the book yesterday night and am hoping, wont pick up any book until i finish my 30 days(well, thats the plan, but who knows!!!)

There were a few things i wanted to write when i was sick ,but dint feel like sitting in front of my computer, around the womens day, i came to know about a sorry state of a woman, and felt helpless at the fate of a woman and how another woman(man's love interest) was cause of it, and how another woman(mother in law) made it miserable and another woman(daughter) even in condition to help, was afraid and hoped the man would change.We all talk about how women needs to be empowered in our society and all the while we fail to see how woman is the reason for woman's anguish.Who can help, what can be done...the truth is, not the govt, not the society, its the woman herself who needs to decide how she was going to live. Is it going be as a victim or is it going to be as a survivor.The choice is given to all, some take it and dont care about the wrath of the world, and some dont and cry at their own fate.

Around the same time, was witnessing a discussion about a woman, by a bunch of other women..None were sparing her, the way she spoke was problem, the way she looked was a problem, the way she conducted her life was a problem. Who are we to judge? And how often do we see a group of men bitching about a man, talking about the clothes he wears, the way he speaks or the number of women he is rumoured to be seeing. Why its us, the woman who are so vocal about another woman, the poor lady dint do us any harm, it was purely our choice to look at her, hear her and then criticize her. And another interesting thing is, a lot of women who were judging this lady, were sympathizers of the woman i wrote above. We like to sympathize, offer solutions and in a second retort to finger pointing and using harsh words.Is it our genetic makeup , or are we inherently averse to other people's happiness?

I am blaming everyone including myself, coz i commented on the lady's way of speak and dressing. Only to realise after, why do i care? Its her life, why am i being the judge.Will i go and give her money when she needs it? Will i console her when crying? Will i feed her when hungry? If the answers are no, why is the answer Yes to 'Will i find fault with her?' . I always though i was a feminist and a strong supporter of woman and look at me, how unknowingly i was one of woman i attributed as the cause in the first cause, am i any less than the horrible MIL or the 'other woman' or the helpless daughter..Something for me to ponder over and correct.

Day 20 of 30

Still a little sick...not that my brain or my fingers dont work when i am sick, its just i dont feel like thinking anything... and without thinking how can i write...now dont ask me if all the junk i churn out is with thinking...


'Kavyakantha Ganapathi Muni' ..have you heard about this man before? It was in one of chaganti garu's discourses about ramana maharshi, i heard about him and was curious to know more and bought a book about him written by his grandson. I am wonder-stuck at how many wonderful people lived and walked India, it is not so long ago, early 1900's, and a man so spiritually inclined. I woould tell my mother before marriage and now D after marriage that i will go to Himalayas and sit in a cave and meditate and will never return(by now, they both figured, it is just a vain warning) and here this man would wander off and find a cave to meditate.

He did intense 'Tapas' and was a learned and a very highly accomplished spiritual person, an excellent astrologer, avadhaani, beautiful poet and a relentless freedom fighter. When we talk about India's freedom, only a few names comes up as forerunners leading the fight to freedom. But Ganapathi muni is the one who relied on spirituality and dhyaana to try to liberate the country from foreign rule. He give speeches motivating fellow Indians to participate in the struggle for freedom, so much so that the British empire had spies behind him and wanted to arrest him, they never could.

Its a shame how such accomplished people get lost in the books. They are like diamonds who need to be mined with great difficulty.
If you get a chance read about him.A poet extempore, earned the title 'Kavya Kantha' defeating a stalwart poet in Bengal.

He is a devoted disciple of Ramana Maharshi and what attracted to me most is how he explained 'sukhlaam bharadaram...' with respect to Ramana Maharshi. I could write here, the literal meaning of this sloka and his interpretation with respect to Ramana Maharshi. But wont, i want you to go and find out more about him and.

It is only in a millenia people such as him are born and blessed is Mother India, to have such a son.

Day 19 of 30

No..no.no..i havent given up on my 'project 30', but cough and cold blessed our family and we are currently being good hosts to these guests. To accompany that, sore throat came to see me, so in having to care for all these 'cant ignore' guests, i am having to neglect this project. As soon as these folks are gone, i will be back with my routine..

Day 18 of 30

'Dulha bikta hai bolo kharidoge
yee jo sansar hai, chor bazaar hai
dhoka bikta hai, bolo kharidoge'
{TranslationGroom is for sale, anyone wants to buy?
This world, is a market of thieves
Cheating can be bought, Do you want to buy ?}

A song i used hear long long time ago, we had a kishore kumar hits cassette and this was one of the songs on it(These were the days, when families had good old tape recorder and we religiously bought the cassettes and played them everyday, long before Ipod dawned on the world).I like and dislike this song. Love the way it says about state of things and hate the fact that its true.The magical voice of kishore da and the music by Bappi da and lyrics by Farooq Kaiser, bring tears everytime i hear this song.

Though this song primarily focuses on the dowry issue, if you notice, it is true of a lot of things that are currently happening around us, everything is available for sale, and somehow we all are living in a mirage thinking everything can be bought, that everything is up for sale.

I keep hearing about how parents are partial to money giving son....are we living in a time, where parents affection is up for sale.
I keep hearing how a wife, keeps belitting her husband, because he cant buy her luxuries, like other men are doing for their wives. Is the affection between man and his wife up for sale.
Its no secret that poor aging parents are abandoned...Is the respect for elders up for sale
A husband, hits and humiliates his wife for dowry and other weird reasons , is responsibility up for sale
Sinners,to absolve their sins,fill the hundies in temples,churches, madarsas all over the world, is the divinity up for sale

They say its 'Kali kaalam', we seem to be heading towards a time, where maybe Sun and Moon will refuse to shine on earth, where mother earth will refuse to bear our burden.

Another couplet from the same song...
'aye zamane bata , ye hai kiski khata
vaada bikta hai bolo khareedoge'
{TranslationTell me ,Oh world, who is to be found at fault
A promise is up for sale, Do you want to buy ?}

Day 17 of 30

I decided what i was going to write for my blog, when i was driving back from work and the local Indian radio was playing the hawa hawa song from the movie rockstar and these words from the song, are my favorite...these are just two lines
'Aazadi de de mujhe mere khuda
Le le tu daulat aur kar de riha'
and these two lines embodies wisdom present in a 100o pages back...how beautiful.


When D was playing the songs when the music was released, in the first listen i dint really like the songs, but thanks to D, the songs were getting played all the time, and i liked 'Sadda Haq' ,then 'Kun Fayaa' and then 'nadaan parindey' and what do i say, i even liked 'katiya karoon'.

Music of this movie is the perfect combination of beautiful words and ear pleasing music. I am not a big ARR fan, in my opinion he uses too much technical sound, but who am i to comment, i cant even sing a sentence in tune.But as a listener, i am entitled to my opinion i suppose. In this movie, the lyrics were not drowned in the music, they were used in accompaniment of the music, which i really liked.


The reason , most songs become all time favorites, is not just the music, also the lyrics, this new guy Irshad Kamil is too good, he is blessed by Goddess Saraswathi..some of the lyrics, are so deep with so much meaning, its amazing, like these lines from the song 'Kun Fayaa'

'Araj tujhe kar de mujhe
Mujhse hi riha'
- wow, if someone had to explain this one line, they will need days.A plea to the lord to free oneself from oneself, now go figure what that means.

and these one's from the same song
'Jab kahin pe kuch nahin bhi nahin tha
Wahi tha wahi tha wahi tha wahi tha'

It takes a lot to come up with words like that..I am glad he was the lyricist and these wonderful songs are here for us to listen and enjoy and also try to understand the depth of these seemingly simple words.

I am not sure, if this movie was a hit, but a lot of people who i know saw, dint like it. I liked it and did not see anything not to be liked, had a good story, power packed performance by Ranbir, amazing music,well..the actress...she dint have much acting to do, she was passable, cant expect her to act like smitha patil in her movie..Talking about Ranbir...this guy has it in him..very versatile, is smart in making choices of his movies and his dedication towards each role he does shows. His personal life makes lot of news, but who cares, he's an actor and damn good at it.

A friend of mine said, oh i wasted money on this movie...all it had was pain..well, ending was painful, but it was not painful all along, but the ending was so powerful, it stayed in the minds of audience and all the happy parts kinda lost their glory in gloom.I personally think, its not waste of money, if we spend money to watch mindless comedies to laugh and relax, we must also once in a while encourage movies that are well done, else, people will stop making them.

so, people..now that Rockstar is not in theater's get the DVD and watch it, pay attention to the lyrics this time and enjoy.

Day 16 of 30

I am back to that point where, i am having to scratch my head wondering what to write. Last 4 days was easy, the material was in my head, just had to put them in words. Now, what do i write.

Also, i am a little upset today...you know Tuesday's are WW weight in days and this week, i was good, ate within my point limit, went to 30 minute ugi ball workshop and guess what i gained a pound..darn the whole weight loss process. The incapability to control the need for tongue, i ended up eating more than what my body needed. Isnt it amazing how our body works, it only uses as much as it needs and everything else is stored as fat...I wish my tongue would learn something from my stomach...huh

If i write something, it will all be about my struggle of weight loss.As my WW leader says,'you dint put on this weight in a day and hence wont loose it in a day'...so true right, you loose sight and next you know, you are overweight.

Ok, people of the kingdom of blogdom...enjoy this though proviking article,
http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/Harsh_Mander/article2931612.ece
The stigma of being manless is there for woman in every country, society , no matter how developed or developing or under developed the country is. In some societies, it is subtle , in some it is more pronounced. We have countries lead by woman, states led by woman, but yet the state of women still needs so much improvement.

I wonder, if there will be a day , where women are respected for what they are and there is no discrimination against single woman,especially one's who lost their husbands.Point to ponder..give it a thought, while i take your leave.

Day 15 of 20

What?...you are asking, why a day's delay? Oh well, you know i can find some excuse.This time's excuse is...is...oh well, i couldn't get the time to write it or if i have to be honest, i couldn't make time to write it.

Getting on, to our final part..OK, before sunset, we had to leave Dada pahad and the guest house i was talking about is in place called Kemmangudi..like i mentioned its on a higher altitude than the dada pahad.After another twisty and turny journey,thanks to non existent road, we reached there.It was our taxi driver, who suggested this place. It was a plain guest house, not the sophisticated, upscale one. Very basic, had a few rooms with double beds.We were given our room,we freshened up and came out. And beautiful instrumental music was playing...on top of mountain, about an hour away from sunset, nice cool breeze and beautiful flower garden...as i walked closer to the garden , i realized it was more of a rose garden, the light sweet smell of the roses floating in the air...was one of the beautiful experiences of my life, i still cherish it and long for it. When my father appreciated the caretaker for the music , he said, it was for the plants and the plants responded really well to the music.We were surprised, this was the first time, we were hearing that music was being played for plants, and they play it twice a day, morning and evening.And it was a good consequence that humans enjoyed it too.

There were not too many people staying, there was a group of men, to be honest, i was a little scared looking at that group, another couple and us, and there was a caretaker.In my mind, there was some fear of security and the thought that there was no security or lot of ladies in the guest house, made me a little uneasy. I remember not being able to sleep well, because of cold and a little fear.

The specialty of this place, is the food is cooked fresh on premises for every meal. The caretaker cooks it with the supplies that come in once a day, from the towns below, no fancy meals, simple, fresh and yummy. Around the garden, there is a small look out place with a few benches, you could sit there and all you will see the mountain ranges, and beautiful nature God probably molded with his own hands. No, there are no perfectly manicured lawns or strategically placed flower plants, this was nature in its rugged best, raw and beautiful.

I sometimes used to lament at how our facilities are bad and how India has so much of natural treasure and is not promoted for tourism, but now i think, its for the good, otherwise, for the hunger of money, this place will be commercialized, there will be shops selling all kinds of souvenirs, people ready to spend money for comforts and we will start robbing from the nature.I hope in the last 10 years, things haven't changed for worse, one change i would definitely want is better roads.And I hope it has become more family friendly, not a booze hangout for men.

This part of the trip was totally unplanned and was a pleasant experience. We woke up the next day, took bath and went back to Dada Pahad. After again paying our respects at the Gavvi and did i mention that there are some tombs in the Gavvi, there are different theories of who they are, ask my mother, she would say they are brother's of Mama Jigni and others there say they are followers of Baba Budan.

Oh, i now realize, i haven't mentioned about Baba Budan.He is said to be disciple of Dada and it is his descendants who are the caretakers of the Gavvi. I haven't heard anything about Baba Budan from my mother or grandmother, but the internet will give you lot of different kinds of information.

This place is popularly now called Baba Budangiri,or Dattagiri. I personally dont care, what its called, as long as they don't fight over the name and ownership and leave the holy places to holy men and their devotees.They are enough other reasons to pick up a fight, just spare the holy places, will be my humble request, if anyone cares to listen.

I can try to explain to you what salt tastes like and go on and on about it, but you will never know what i am saying, until you put a small grain of salt on your tongue. Similarly, i can go on and on about this place, though it is of special attachment to me, it is a place that one should visit.I can try to tell you about the peace and tranquility that prevails here, but until you experience it, you will know not what i am trying to say. If not to Dada Pahad, try going to Kemmangudi...just make sure, you go there as big group(for safety purpose) and enjoy the nature, sit quietly on the bench in the sit-out early in the morning and late in the evening and feel one with the nature.In the rush of life, we often loose connection with ourselves and this is one of the place, that will help you get in touch with yourself.

Remember, I was mentioning how this memory kept coming to me, time and again recently. I think i now know why.I am longing a sense of peace, a sense of tranquility and my brain is bringing up this memory to appease me.And to remind me to look inwards, as opposed to outwards.

Hope you all enjoyed reading about how i got my 'not a last name' and about the trip which i took almost 10 years ago.

Some information about this place from the internet
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baba_Budangiri
http://members.tripod.com/baba_budan_hills/otherplaces.html

Google and you will find different versions of the story i said and some pictures too. Seeing those pics, makes me want to go back.I pray before i leave my physical being, i get a chance to visit this place again.

Before I end this series, i know , in the quest of knowing the story behind my last name took to me a very beautiful place and i am passing it on to my daughter.While she has her father's last name, she has a very unique middle name.A name, that will stand as a mere initial in all her official records, and when she will be old enough to know it, hopefully she will follow the same trail as i did.

Day 14 of 20

After the bath we went to the Gavvi, nothing fancy there, I couldnt help but imagine, how one could sit there in meditation, absolutely no comforts, but then again Saints dont look for comforts, their only comfort is in the remembrance of name of the God.It is for lowly beings like me, that comforts matter...no, its so hard rock, how can you sit on it, oh, there is no pillow and bed to sleep, where is the heater in this cold, people like me are stuck in this rut of being comfortable all their lives. I imagined 'Mama Jigni' sitting there in meditation. How must have been a delicate princess , used to the comforts of niceties and servants of the palace, away from the luxuries, live there by herself without even all basic necessities, she must have some character i thought and was humbled in sharing the same name.

And the next stop was at the palang talab..oh..before i forget there is another tradition that is followed here, you break the coconut on the stone that is at the entrance of the the gavvi and apparently the way the coconut breaks means something, i dont remember exactly what it means, but i remember my mother telling me, to make sure to break it in one shot.

The palang talab, was a short ride away, and we hired the jeeps that run there...and wow what an experience it was, the guy driving the jeep had some guts i must say, the condition of the jeep was so-so, there was no proper road and it was mountains path and sometimes how the jeep bent from one side to another, it was pure luck we reached palang talab alive and in one piece, God, i must these people either trust God a lot or purely dont care about life. At the talab you could do fateha if you wanted and the time we went, some people were cooking a meal, close by. If i had to describe the whole scene, it was in middle of nowhere with a few people strewn here and there.

We came back to Gavvi, the ride back was as adventurous and bone chilling, not knowing when the whole jeep will go down in the valley kept us all at the edge of our seats. There is an advantage to going out on trips like this, you realise how paraniod you are about being live, while some people test luck many times a day travelling like this. What is different, i wonder, the perception, the way you look at the situation, some people die when death comes and some die in anticipation of death.

I roamed around, my mother warned not to wander too far, i was looking hoping maybe i will get a glimpse of a saintly figure in the mist...and was talking to the lady i told earlier, who wore my mothers saree. She said, she saw Dada herself, well that is pretty questionable, for a few rupees, people say things that you want to listen. As i walked around looking at the small shops, not really shops, people selling their wares on the sides of the mud road. The practise of black magic still has its trails even to this day.Some of the wares available for sale, gave me chills. I will not describe them, they are better untold, the rest of world, went so further, leaving such practises behind,but in this part of the world, it still lives to some degree and I am no sure, if the herbs and medicinal value of the plants in the area is documented, but you will see some roots, barks, seeds, that the sellers claim will cure anything. I stopped at one of these sellers and was asking about his products and he showed me a small twig and said, it could cure all eye disorders, i couldnt control my laugh, he seemed upset, and said, he will demonstrate it, all you need to do was to dip the twig in water for 10 seconds and whatever water is stick to it,maybe a drop or 2, put in your eye, and there will be slight burning sensations and your eye is cleaned. He offered to show it to me, I said, i cant test it as i wore contact lens, he put the water in his own eye. but I did buy a couple of those twigs, wanted to verify what he said, but in the security of my home and where availability of medical help is closer. And by the way, i did check it out, when i came back home and guess what, works exactly as he explained, it cleans your eye, i used it for a few months and then lost that twig.

The medicinal value of the herbs in our country is a lost knowledge, dependant on the folk lore and left for extinction. We all run towards man made medicines and something that has approval of some board like FDA, we seem to have lost trust on nature. Imagine if water that was in contact with the twig for 10 seconds had power to clean the eyes, what can be done, if someone could extract it and use for treating eye disorders. In the days, when the herbal medicine is getting commercial, it is left to be seen, if the real true knowldege will stand the test of time.

It was getting close to night fall, and there was no decent place to stay. There were some rooms built for the devotees to stay overnight, but we opted against it, as it did not have attached bathroom, the bathrooms were separate and i was scared like hell, what if i had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. So, after making some enquiries, we found out there was a guest house, in the nearby mountain top, it was higher than the dada pahad. So we decided we will go and stay there, and quickly rushed before night fall. There was only one bus that would come to dada pahad bringing all the supplies, there was not even a decent place to eat, by decent i mean, a small restaurant like in the city...well, having used to the comforts of modern life, this was a glimpse of how people lived and still live without all the comforts.

The guest house was a great place to stay...a unique place. I remember we took pics, i am sure , they must be there somewhere in my parents house. must look for them when i go next time.will finish the guest experience in the next post.until then enjoy...

Day 13 of 20

Oh well...after a lot of thinking and memory jogging, i am still not able to recollect, when exactly we made this trip..i was not in India in 2001 and half of 2002, so was gone again in mid 2004, it must be sometime between mid 2002 and mid 2004. Its strange how i can vividly remember how i felt and what i experienced, but even after trying damn hard, am not able to recollect the year and month.

I do remember telling myself, at that time, that it took me good 25 years to see the place that was the reason for my birth, and also when we got down in chickmangalur station, i felt the cold, and felt my skin burn due to dryness...so i can safely say it must be late 2002 or early 2003. I remember when i got down at chickmangalur station, it was not the big city, a modest town, and not any mystical that i have imagined it to be. I think, we got down in the early hours,I can remember the cool breeze as we came out of the station, as it was yesterday.

We hired a cab...I don't remember if we rented a room, but i am sure, we must have to freshen up,coz we went up the mountain during the day and left before nightfall. Our brain is a smart machine..it doesn't really waste memory on mundane details, only the one's that leave an impression on you, get recorded.I always wanted to write a diary as i forget dates and years, but never did for the fear of laying my life out in open for anyone to read.

The journey i remembered going up the mountain..We noticed freshly made a walkway beside the road and when asked, the driver told us, that some devotees do pada yatra to the top of the mountain and that they started doing so recently. And i could see some saffron flags here and there, people were going up and down in bikes, once in a while as we ascended. In conversation with the taxi driver, we found out that this now the new place for the hindu-muslim fight for ownership of the cave on the top. A smile broke invariably, not just me, the saint who's blessing i am, is also admist a religious difference. i was going to his meditation place and the place he is reportedly still seen to ask to make it easy to marry D, and make sure the religious differences that were causing us problems be gone and lo, here he was stuck in the same kind of situation. There was a question on who he is, some said he was a muslim and wanted muslim sajjada nashin's to take care of the chilla as they have been for centuries and some said he was a Hindu, a re-incarnation of Guru Dattatreya and hence all the hindu rituals need to be followed and to reinforce that the newly started pada yatra.

I now wondered, what was he going to do for me, who was dealing with the same situation. I remember smiling to myself and telling the saint in my mind 'Oh well, there you go, we both are in the same situation. If you are not able to handle these crazy people, what can someone like me do..All i can do is wish you all the best and you do the same for me' .

The road is the not the best i have ever seen, in some places broken , and some places non existent and there is a tinge of red everywhere, the mountain has the red soil. Some curves and turns were pretty tricky, a small mistake and you will end up in the valley and probably no-one will come looking for the remains. There was this intensity to establish ownership in this place, that neither of the both religious people cared for the development of this place.A proper road would have done everyone good, but who cares for all that stuff.

As we ascended, the imagination i had about the magician, Dada and the princess, was finding a canvas, i was imagining a magician, wicked, wearing big black robe, bald head, red cruel eyes and long nails roaming the hills, bothering and tormenting people, and i imagined a saint, long beard, white one piece kaftan, with a serene look on his face and a stick in his hand, and the beautiful and delicate princess, looking helpless in the mid of the ruthless jungle.

As i still was lost in the world of my imagination, we reached the place where the gavvi( means cave) was. It was a very small place, with hardly any shops, very few places, not thronging like other holy places, a sense of quiet prevailed. To enter the gavvi, we had to take bath in the nearby waterfalls...and apparently these waterfalls have mystery, that no-one has ever been able to solve, they say a lot of geologists have come and did numerous studies but never found where the water was coming from. Me and my mother, went together and there is another practise that is followed here, you need to discard the clothes you are wearing right there after the bath, you do not take your old clothes with you. They had a small covering where women can change, nothing fancy and very primal(was better than nothing). After the bath, we changed into fresh clothes, and threw away the old ones right there. I dont know why they do it, but i am guessing, it giving up old bad self and changing into a garb of good.But again, thats my theory, i really dont know why they do it.

A lady who was helping us there, we saw here next day, wearing the saree my mom had left the day before :). If it has no spiritual meaning, it definitely gave clothes to the people there who could afford any new.

Will continue in the next post....

Note:I couldnt write the post yesterday...hmmm...dont blame me, blame the number 13 :)

Day 12 of 30

Continuing the story from yesterday.

After a lot of searching, the princes, eventually found their sister and thanked the saint for saving her and protecting her. She was very happy to see her brothers and went along with them to the Palace. But among the seven brothers, if i remember it right 3 of them, stayed back with 'Dada', they were so influenced by the saint, they renounced the world and for the rest of their lives served the saint.

The magician,meanwhile had found out what really happened and was furious at the saint, he would try to cause trouble to the saint and would fail all the time. He was further angered, when Dada was helping people who were being tormented by him. The war waged between 'Dada' and the magician, and to this day continues, as the fight between good and bad.

'Dada' is an immortal saint, he never left his mortal being, and since the 11th century, there have been accounts of his sightings, especially in times of need.A white clothed saint on top the mountain in the mist , a lot have claimed to have seen.

The most told story is of that of a little child, who wandered into the cave and went into a tunnel, that is supposed to go all the way to Mecca. The boy's parents searched for him everywhere , he was not to be found. Only to come back 2 days later from the tunnel, and he told them of the Dada who showed him the way out.

And coming to the association of this story to me and the memory thats comig to me these days, so lets get to the next story, this one i know for sure, is a true one, because I am cast in it :)

In the 1970's, my mother was pregnant and she had chicken pox when she was pregnant. It is said, the pain and consequence of that is either to the mother or the child. My sister decided to take the pain, and she was born with complications and did not survive more than a few days after birth.It feels strange to say 'sister'.I have always said, i am the only girl child of my parents and have no sisters, almost making my sister who survived a few days non existent and i did not realise that until now. Oh well, i am not the only girl child, we are 2 girls, one of us, left the mortal being very shortly after birth.

After my sister's passing, my mother longed for a girl child and at that time my parents were living in karnataka, my parents neighbours told my mother about 'Dada Pahad'(translates to 'Mountain of Grandfather') and asked if they wanted to come along, as they were going there. My parents decided to go along with the neighbours and while they were there, my mother saw, people were putting a stone or a stone on stone on the mountain.My mother enquired what that meant, and she was told, putting one stone, means you will be blessed by a son and if you put a stone on another stone, you will be blessed by a daughter. My mother decided to test it and put a stone on a stone and after the whole trip, went back home and in a few weeks, found out she was pregnant and in a few months, found out it was a 'Girl' and since the girl was born as a blessing of 'Dada', she was given the name which had name of the princess in it.And that girl is me :)

So, you now see, how the story before that apparently happened in the 11th century, relates to me.I am neither as beautiful or as pious as the princess was, but like the history thats attached to my name.

For good or bad, when i started school, my name was long that my father decided not to put family name in my name...and as years passed, when it was time for passport, and my last name, given names had to be distinguised, the name of the princess given to me was written as my last name and none of us noticed that i dont really have a last name, i was just using one of my names as last name.And hence i became a 'last nameless' person.

There are times, when some ladies ask me, or for official purposes, when they assume my last name, to be same as D's and i have to explain to them, that our last names are different and some people do look at me, like 'Really you havent changed your last name?" and i just smile, i cant explain the whole story of how i dont have a last name, and when i dont have a last name, how can i change it? Oh well, this world and its perceptions, sometimes, an indignant smile is better than talking.

My parents took me to 'Dada Pahad' after i was born, i was so little and have no memory of that trip.
In 2003, I decided, i wanted to see the place which was reason for my birth and set out on a trip with my parents, which is the memory that i was talking and that i'll post tomorrow.

Day 11 of 30

Yesterday i dint realise, i was 10 days into my 'project 30'...feels good.Irrespective of what i write and whether its good or bad, i am glad i havent give up..hope i will continue this till end.

Ok, coming to today's post...there is a memory that is surfacing time and again these days, i wonder why...i might as well get it out of my system by posting it. To tell the whole story will take a couple of posts, so, lets get started with the first story, it was the story that was told me as a kid and i loved it, you will know the reason why i loved it as you will know more.

Once there was a princess...very beautiful...so beautiful that anyone who looked at her would fall in love with her. And there was a wicked magician, who was smitten by the beauty of the princess. He was a wicked magician, and his wickedness made him want to kidnap the princess.One night, he ordered his servants, to go and bring the princess.

The servants, came to palace, and in the dark of the night, as the theives, put a spell on the sleeping princess, picked up the royal bed the princess was sleeping in and took her to the nearby hill and put her in a spot they would remember later, and rushed to give the good news to their Master.

After a little while, after the servants were gone, the princess woke up, and found herself all alone , on top of a mountain with noone in sight. She was scared, she knew not how she came here and who brought her there. She started to cry and her cries were heard by a saint. He came in the direction of the princess and asked 'What are you doing here and why are you crying?"
The princess told the saint, that she remembered sleeping in the palace, and when she woke up, she found herself in middle of the jungle , all alone and dont know how she came here.

The saint, knew with his divinity what had conspired. He told the princess to stay where she was and to be brave.And he walked away from there.

A little later, the magician arrived with his servants, very happy to know that the princess was now in his grip, but as soon as he approached the princess, there was unbearable stench, a smell so horrible that he couldnt stand it. He was mad at his servants
'Who did you bring?' he yelled at them
the servants, shivering at the anger of their master said, it was the princess as he asked for
but the magician was sure, it was not the princess,because the princess was sweet smelling, not the horrible smelling girl they had brought. Because of the smell, the magician could not proceed any closer , and he left furiously.

After the magician left, saint came to the princess and picked the bed on which the princess was seated and threw it in a lake close by,as soon as the bed hit the water, the bed went into water and princess found herself in a cave. To this day this lake is called 'Palang talab' and the saint whom she called 'Dada' is 'Dada Hayat Kalander' and the mountain called 'Dada Pahaad'

The princess started to live under the protection of the saint, she would cook food, and from the hole of the cave, put out 2 rotis out and then eat.So pious was she, she wouldnt eat before offering food to others.She spent most of her time, in praying and in meditation.

Back in the palace, the king and the prince's were worried. What happened to the princess no-one knew, the bed and the princess had vanished in thin air. The princess had 7 brothers, the 7 prince's set out looking for her sister.

I will stop her and we will continue tomorrow. and for those of you wondering why this story is relevant to me and why i should be posting this, well, the name of the princess was 'Mama Jigni'

Day 10 of 30

Man-woman....the relationship they share is the most unique, complex and life-changing. All the other relationships are easy and pretty simple and probably there has been no legal separation for any other relationship except for that of marriage. If you are mad at your brother, you can stop communicating with him and decide to severe all relationships and no hell will break loose and you do something smiliar with your spouse, it is a matter of utmost importance, you get counsel from everybody you know and dont know. You are advised to be more adjusting, for the sake of relationship and if children are involved, they are cited as reason for you to make it all work.

why all the hullaboo about just another relationship, one may wonder. why is there utmost importance to a relationship that is man made. Why people need to change themselves to accomodate a relationship that sometimes you dont even select yourself.

I think, thats the beauty of this relationship, you are not connected in blood, but connected in a way that places itself above all bood relationships. A relationship of trust, love and mutual understanding. If if any of those ingredients is in excess or less, the relationship gets strained. Trust, is a big word.You need to trust someone who was once a stranger to be your better half, to be with you in times of happiness and sadness and be there for him/her.
Love, this i am not sure is understood correctly, somehow love is translated to display of affection and buying of gifs.Neither of it is bad, but there is a danger if this is perceived as love.
If one questions, what is love? It is the feeling of wanting nothing more.If it doesnt make any sense, then its my inability to express the most beautiful feeling. Ask a mother to explain her love for her children, she will give a weird look ,as if the questioner has lost his/her mind, how can a mother explain her love towards her children. She will stay hungry , but wont complain.She will experience the pain, but wont blame.She will will not want anything, but to see you happy.If love has to be explained in words,i will be writing a few million words and still wont be able to explain it.
Mutual understanding..well, the third major ingredient in the recipe of marriage. It is to understand the needs of the partner and let them have some breathing space. We often see, if someone is feeling down, instead of letting that person decipher his/her feelings, we all offer consolation and force him/her to do something we believe that will bring him back to their good spirits. In the process, we somehow forget that every human being, needs to face his feelings and deal with him.there is no running away. A small gesture that, go ahead, deal with it and i am right here when you need me, is what understanding is.

It is the relationship that keeps you company until the very end, so treat with care, add additional spices to the recipe to make it to your taste :), but keep make sure ,the main ingredients are always there.

As i write this post about marriage, my dear DH is restlessly sitting beside me, hoping i will stop my typing and give him laptop(Understanding), He has no idea what i am typing and why, and doesnt care too(Trust) and once he gets his hands on laptop, he wants nothing more (Love). There you go, the 3 main ingredients, and I will now go to bed, in belief that we will keep in these 3 ingredients always at hand in our relationship for a very very long time to come.Amen.

Day 9 of 30

Today, my mind is thinking all about tomorrow's weigh in. In one of my previous posts, i mentioned i have joined WW and tomorrow is the next meeting and this week, i have eaten above and beyond what i shoud have and now dread getting on the scale.

I have never been happy with my weight, i always wanted to be slimmer than i was, even when i was 50 kg...55kg..60kg...65kg...I was never happy with myself. Thanks to the projection of slimmer you are, beautiful you are considered concept..i have run behind a mirage of that self, that could never have been.

At this stage, my excess weight is more of a health hazard than a cosmetic problem. As I age, being healthy is important, cant afford to be sick when i have a little one to take care of, so i do whatever i can..south beach diet..pilates..no carb diet...and now WW. You might say, its not means that is wrong, but the approach.I know, i am looking for quick solutions and without any self control, all the methods invariably fail.

I have noticed, in the recent fight against fat, that my hunger is never satisfied. I am not talking about feeding my body, i am talking about the feeling that makes you feel full and not make your mind constantly think about food. When there is a void in our lives, most of us, try feeding it with food and the fact is food cannot fill that void, and in a vain atempt, the excess food converts to fat and fat to all kinds of health issues.All the over weight people are feeding something other than their body with food. With unhealthy food choices, the struggle becomes harder. I need something else to fill the void with, something that will really fill it. And the solution i know is within me, not outside me, not in anything material. I know the day, the void is filled, the need for food will be limited to nourishing myself, there will no over eating, untimely snacking, excessive eating, unnecessary cravings, when all these are gone, the fat will be gone too. Its a weird situation, you know what the solution is, but you are not able to apply it. The inertia or the unwillingness to embrace change, the comfort of current situation seems better.

Well, all this rant about my weigh in tomorrow, has made me mentally hungry, i can hear my stomach growl..OK, time to hit the bed...today has been purely i, me, myself post. Its hard to get away from the thing called self. the more harder i try, with double the force it comes back at me.I guess if i stop trying, it will just go away.

Day 8 of 30

Its techinically Day 9, as its past midnight...but whenever its quiet and no distractions, its easy to write.

Hmm....what do i write about...i know something i realised yesterday 'Doing the right thing at right time', dont ask me whats prompting this, else again this post will become again a rant about i, me and myself.

How often do we act as we preach...or lets put it this way, how often do we do the right thing at right time. There is a split second though, a decision to make between acting and walking away and a choice to make, between the right and wrong. Its the strong character that decides doing the right thing. A lot of people speak and write about all kinds of right things...and most of them when put in the situation to act in a short notice, are unlikely to do what they preach or atleast they believe they practise.

In a conversation with a family member , it came up today about charity and giving back to the society... a lot of people with enough to spare and right conscience have done charity at some point of time, but how many of us do charitable act when needed or when they are presented with it and are not prepared for it. If we ever have to make a donation to the charity we support, we look at our finances and at a pre decided date, we give the money. OR you are volunteering, you make sure your other commitments do not clash and plan for the day you go out and do a certain act. But when you are presented with it when least prepared, how well do we respond to it. In the conversation I was mentioning , the family member mentioned about something he saw years ago, that stuck in his mind and has been a factor why he gives charity and what he saw was a very aged woman trying to pick a half idli on the railway track in chennai,if you have ever seen a railway station in chennai, i dont have to explain to you, how dirty and filthy it is...I asked, if it moved you so much, you could have bought a plate of idli and given it to her and to that he said 'yes...it dont occur to me...but i felt really bad seeing it'. Thats how it is, the situation caught him unaware, he was so struck by the situation, it did not occur he could have done something about it.And not just him, many others who saw that happening, must have been affected by it, but no-one did offer her a fresh plate of idli, which probably cost Rs10.

It is nobody's fault that most of us are like this, we are not tuned to act, or ready to confront the situation in the face. It is not the money or the time that matters, it is the inability to make a decision at the right time. In small day to day activities, we turn blind eye to things we otherwise declare we believe in.

Something like that happened to me yesterday, after that split second wavering, I cursed myself a million times..but the truth is I did let off, I dint act responsibly, I did not act as I preach...I am overcome with feeling of shame, as i think of it now. but maybe confessing my weakness will give me some solace.

Day 7 of 30

Well...Day 7 was a miss...i went out and came home after midnight, did not have the energy or intention to write yesterday's blog....so, instead of churning out junk just for the sake of writing...will skip writing anything for this day.

Day 6 of 30

Thankfulness...thats what i am thinking about writing today.

How often do we take a moment and are thankful for what we are, where we are and how we are. In the unlimited, unending list of complaints , the thankfulness doesnt find a spot in our thoughts.It is so typical of looking at things we dont have in a magnifying glass and while totally ignoring what we are blessed with. Wanting to grow and be better than where and what you are now, is good, its the fuel for growth but must be accompanied by the humility and appreciation of what we are already blessed.

I was mentioning the other day about me being upset about my comparing with others in terms of monetary compensation. While doing introspection, started to take a few steps backwards and said
well...i get paid on par with the industry -- why aint i thankful about it?
I have a job that doesnt put undue pressure on me - why aint i thankful about it?
i have a job - why aint i thankful about it?
suddenly my rant and feeling bad , dint seem that significant. Instead of feeling bad and sad, a choice could be made to be thankful and introspect and aim to grow higher by working harder and smarter, as opposed to putting all the energy in feeling bad.

Its not me, pick anyone you know, have a conversation of 10 mins and you will realise, how much this person is loathing not having something, some people ruin their whole day wallowing in self pity.

how often do we say this
I ate well today - am thankful for it
I have a place to call home - am thankful for it
I have someone who cares and loves me - am thankful for it
I have the comforts that make my life easy - am thankful for it.
I have the education and tools to find a job - am thankful for it.
I have a job - am thankful for it.

Once we start finding space for thankfulness in our thoughts, the outlook towards life changes.I must have been a teenager or maybe younger, when i would look at the ladies begging with a little one in their waist...my looks invariably went to the baby and i wondered why was he/she born to this woman? this woman made a choice of becoming a beggar...that kid did not, then why is he/she having to live a life like this? And suddenly i was thankful for my parents and the fact that we were well provided and the fact that food and shelter were taken for granted.This question led me to know what is 'karma'...

I saw an ad flashing when i went the read the hindu newspaper online, i clicked on it and suddenly a feeling of guilt came over, how mean could i be, for not being thankful for all i am given.Here is the link to the ad i saw
http://www.tuphschool.org/
If you have enough and have some to spare, please do share your wealth of love and a little money to the people who arent as lucky.

Will close today's blog by expressing my gratitude to everything and everyone, who has been the reason for what i am today.

Day 5 of 30

How powerful is the phrase 'Take a walk'. If you think about it, it can used in almost all situations.
Say you dont have appetitie and are complaining...you can 'take a walk'
You have eaten and are full, then also you can 'take a walk'
If you feeling mad, then you can 'take a walk'
If you are feeling sad, then also you can 'take a walk'
You dont like something, then you simply 'take a walk'.
It almost sounds like one pill cure for all ailments. Wonder how it kinda works in all situations and mind you if you have ever used the 'take a walk' pill, you sure feel better. Even if the problem at hand, is not solved, after the 'walk' there is a renewed energy to take a new look at the issue.

How come 'taking a walk' works so well..hmmm...it changes the current physical state, you are forced to take yourselves away from the current location, the change in location, the change in the people around you, the change in scenary around you, does help you think better. If the walk is out in the open, the fresh air, does some good too. Lungful of fresh air helps clear cloudy mind.

We all need to be active and for good health, exercise is vital. If you are not able to exercise, its very likely that your doc is going to 'take a walk' :)

Give it a try next time , you are stuck at making a decision, or need clarity on something, or just plain bored..'take a walk' pill will surely make you feel better.

And if you think this blog content is boring..ah well...why dont you just 'take a walk'

Day 4 of 30

We all live our lives doing one thing primarily...making money...we work different kind of jobs...some with no fixed time, some 8-4, sometimes we loathe going to work, but pull ourselves coz without the pay check, life is hard to live.

You look at the people on the street on a weekday morning, anywhere in the world, people are hurrying somewhere, lost in their thoughts and most of them are on their way to work or from work to home. The struggle to make the ends meet, the struggle to have enough and sometimes even splurge on unwanted things, this hurried life goes on and before we realise, we have spent years and years in making sure we have enough and a little bit more.

Except for the ones that were born with either silver spoon or gold spoon in their mouths, it is pretty much the story of the every middle class person. We may wonder at how some one is so adept at making money and while some slog day after day for the meagre amount. Some retort to not so right path and some dont take any path,and try to live off others.

Is money really that important, or is it a necessary evil we all need to get by, what else can we do other than shed the worldly garb and go out begging for alms...but again, if we all went begging, who would be the one giving alms..so the order of the world demands, while a select few beg for alms, other use whatever their wisdom and conscience let them do to earn that few bucks.

I am one among the people who wants to win that lottery...people who know me say, to win lottery you atleast need to buy a ticket..as much as i want that lottery loot, i dont buy a ticket , coz i think deep in my heart i think i dont want to win it. if i suddenly had the money what will i do...what will be the reason for me to wake up, what will be the motivation to use my brain and want to work harder and harder so i can earn a pay hike.Wanting more never stops, if you have 1, you want 10, and if you have 10, you want 100, and if you have 100 you want 1000. Wants are like addiction, the more you have, more you want.

Wondering why this thought came to me, i realised a couple of days ago, i am making less than some one i know who i believe doesnt work as much as I do, and was a little mad.and i thought about it with a cool mind and questioned, how long will i compare and with how many people will i compare with. Whats my worth, is it relative to how much others are getting paid? Am i not as ambitious as others are? Am i too complacent, that i dont care about how much i get paid? How much do i want? how much will make me happy? All these questions, led to this post today...let me know what do you think, how much is really enough?

Day 3 of 30

What else can i write today other than about love, it is 'valentines day' afterall.It wasnt as big commercially when i was growing up. It is a great thing that a day is celebrated for love, a day to remind the world to love...and somehow it has come down the love between couples and the way to express is based on the gifts you give and recieve.Can love be measured in materialistic gifts..no, its not wrong to buy each other gifts but to attribute gifts as a measurement of love is not right.
Love is a wonderful thing..in most cases, when someone says love, the first thing that anyone thinks is a couple, a man and woman...oops in this time and age, it could be of same sex too.But love is in every relationship...mother -child, friends, pets...if there was no love , this world be a very dull place. Thank god for love and i am sure all the retail industry will say thank god for 'valentines day'
On this valentines day, here is love to all of you...if you reading this blog..i am sure you will feel the love :)

Day 2 of 30

Day 2 , and already i am finding it very hard to write about something not revolving around 'me, i, myself'. every time i begin to write, i invariably write one of the below
' i think'
'i wonder'
'in my opinion'
'my husband'
'my daughter'
it dawned upon me, that i look at the world wearing a big 'I' glasses. everything has to be my opinion or my perception of what it is, i am not able to look at anything without associating it with me or my family. how sad..isnt it...the 'I' in me is making me blind to things as they are, but only making me see as they relate to me.This 30 day task is indeed going to be hard and liberating too. It is going to help me disassociate things around me with respect to me.

Oh well, the idea was to write about something not concerning me and i end up writing a couple of paragraphs about i,me,myself again.ok, to the matter of the day
Music and how it effects your mood.
An organized sequence of sound has the power to make you happy, sad, makes you get off the couch and start dancing...some power this sound has.Many of us have found ourselves transported to a totally new world listening to our favorite music, the soothing ghazals are a lovers favorite pasttime, where as a devotee finds music as a way to worship his/her God, the young need some foot tapping music to party and a mother's voice singing a lullaby makes the little baby sleep. Whereever you are, whatever you are, it is very possible that music somehow has affected you in some way...classical, pop, rock,jazz..vocal, instrumental in some way, shape or form, it has found a spot in your life, which gives you comfort. Not just humans, studies have shown that even animals and plants enjoy music.It is said music is the language of God, it indeed is.

Day 1 of 30

Day 1

As the first day of my 'write a post everyday for 30 days', I had to think about writing something not involving me and not about my life or family and when i was reading an article in thehindu.com today, i appreciate this newspaper for not stooping to the level of timesofindia, and honestly i promised not to visit timesofindia unless really needed, dont want give them network traffic, ok, back to the topic.. i was reading about an article how two young men, who went out of india and returned to the mother land and did a social experiment by trying to live lives of an average and a poor indian, a very interesting and a thought provoking read.

Here is the link to the article

http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/Harsh_Mander/article2882340.ece

Very recently i was having a conversation with a friend and was wondering how with growing income and more luxuries, you want more, and having more always seems less. How as a society we are in a race to be 'successful', successful as measured by the monetary standing, that the human emotion such as empathy is totally lost.How often does a upper middle class or rich person think about someone struggling to feed their family twice a day feels when dumping the food in trash can. As we get richer as measured in money , we seem to get poorer as a person.

You might ask, what do we do, starve because someone in some other part of world is hungry, to abstain from luxuries because someone else cant afford it, to live always wanting more.Actually i dont know, I want to say, be considerate to the not-haves, but who am i to make your decisions.

Weight loss update and more

I did finish the first phase on SB diet and had some success and then later fell through, good news is i havent gained weight after that, did loose a couple of pounds with eating right, but that keeps fluctuating...so i'd say i neither gained or lost any weight after my SB diet thing.

The good thing is, even though the motivation to loose weight is gone, the intention is still there, so as a revival i joined weight watchers...what the heck, let me try this one too...i am hopeful this time, to get back to pre-preg weight and hopefully a little less than that. wondering why i am hopeful...coz i am spending over $300 for 20 week program...well at the end of 20 weeks i will definitely be lighter...if not be pounds definitely by dollars...hehehe

so apart from that, i realized i am getting bored very easily these days...seems like life is becoming a drag...wanting something new in life..its not like life is a cakewalk now, but in a laundry list of to-do things, i am getting lost and the real me needs something to do, just when i was feeling like this, i saw this in a online community

http://www.ted.com/talks/matt_cutts_try_something_new_for_30_days.html

i thought,there you go, that was answer to my need to do something new. i could do many new things, 30 days each...wow,what a wonderful idea..to implement it,where else can i go than to go to my dear blog...that sits there hoping i would update at-least once in a while.

So, after a little thought, i have prepared a list of new things, i think i can do for 30 days
- update my blog everyday , well honestly sometimes i don't update my blog, for the lack of anything to write, i don't like writing about my private affairs...so when i start writing, i have to edit out my personal life details and realize, after all the censoring, there is nothing left to write. that's how my life is now, so involved in my family that there is nothing else my brain thinks about these days...so i am going to write something, even a few lines, everyday, about something that's not my life, something random, i don't know what...so we'll see how that goes
- And if i successfully finish the first one, I'll do the photo a day...i have seen some people(ladies you know who you are and thanks for being an inspiration.) do it, and some pics are really remarkable...so there is no shame in copying to do something nice..so I'll to do that next.

My dear readers...go ahead and make some suggestions of what i can do for 30 days and also a big thank you for being my readers, as few as you are, you are the reason i look forward to updating this otherwise very inactive blog.