Off late I haven't been feeling very well...had my annual early this year...my doc gave me thumps up after seeing my reports.But i just don't feel good. Don't get deep sleep, have weird dreams, when i wake up next morning, don't feel well rested. Last few months, its like my energy is zapped..I always attributed to being over weight and was focusing on losing weight..And to be honest i am not super heavy, i need to lost about 10 pounds to get back into my healthy BMI range. Couple of months ago, my contacts started to hurt...i thought they weren't clean enough, used another pair, next day same story...went to eye doctor, he checked and said there seem to be some infection and asked me not to wear them for a couple of weeks and i should be fine...i wore my contacts on Monday after six week of wearing glasses...same story...darn something isn't right. Then in a fluke, i came upon mercury toxicity. I am a healthy eater for the most part...don't eat processed food that much, minimal use of microwave, since I got preggos, have reduced use of cosmetics too. I don't eat fish that often for the fear of mercury content.Guess what, i was avoiding fish fearing mercury, while having mercury sitting in my mouth...oh yes...it never occurred to me, i have mercury fillings in my teeth, conveniently called silver fillings...darn i dint even know it was mercury. I looked up for mercury toxicity symptoms and guess what i fir the bill to the tee...I have dry mouth, disturbed sleep, metallic taste in mouth...all these things that are never accounted for in your annual checkups... My reaction...oh god..what do i do now? the only solution...have to cleanse my system of heavy metals and get my filling removed...and then again with the help of google...found a couple of holistic dentists in my area...removal of mercury filings is no joke, it is a very detailed careful process and costs are not pretty... And to add to the woes, D has a 'silver filling' too...and he got it about 5 years ago and i have mine since 15 yrs..no wonder little A has eczema and food sensitivity...I kept wondering, why she got those problems, while none in our family has skin problems...now I almost found a reason... As soon as i can walk on my 2 feet, i am going to get my toxicity test done and see if my guess is correct and if yes...then will come the removal and cleanse...and my purse is going to be considerably lighter. I wonder, how something as dangerous as mercury is used as dental filling...with all the hullaboo about don't eat too much fish...dentists are putting them in our mouths...who do you trust...you cant know everything... Why this post...to warn anyone who comes across this blog to be aware of the toxicity of these 'silver fillings' and educate people around you. In this toxic laden world, money hungry companies, no one ever realizes that were are killing ourselves...having sick children means a a sick world which seem to be getting sicker to each generation. Everything we use has things that are not good for your health, shampoo, lipstick and all the cosmetics have parabens which can cause cancer and your food has pesticides and is genetically modified. Why is it so hard to live in tune with nature, why create things that are harmful to life..IS our 'science' all about going against the nature...should it be, how do we make products in tune with nature...why is it so hard?
Its been ages since i wrote to the blog and realized i have never completed my 30 day blogging task...goes it show the focus, determination i have..well don't the actions speak louder than the words. I will someday finish the 30 posts...this is the 27th, only 3 more to go...but who can ever say, how long it will take 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or even 3 years... Since my prev posts..lot of things have happened...oh well..isn't that life, it would be so darn boring if things were to remain the same every single day of the life. The most important happening, is that i broke my foot..wondering how...no.no..i wasn't playing any sport nor was running or doing anything close to strenuous physical activity...the simple action of walking and my foot flipping to a side..cause my 5ht metatarsal to break...good news is it was not displaced. This happened about 4 weeks ago..I am on crutches and an air cast boot. I went to the doc yesterday, hoping he will say, all healed, you can now stop hopping and go back to walking on your two wonderful feet..no..that was not what happened..he looked with some intensity at my x-ray and said 'it is healing...but not much' .I couldn't believe it , how can it be, isn't it suppose to significantly heal within in 4 weeks...how much longer i asked, he said, lets see 3 more weeks and if things aren't moving as fast, i will refer to orthopedic surgeon and explore options for surgery...WHAT...walking and flipping...cannot cause all this,wait..walking and flipping cant, but bad luck..oh...with the recent turn of events, i can confidently say bad luck has become my best friend, just doesn't want to part with me. So, with the recent forced resting, given my limited mobility, i have watched enough junk on youtube, and enough free movies in there, that our bandwidth limit is almost up..so D warned, not to watch any more crap..oh well, how else was i supposed to kill time.I cant go to buy a book, nor can i rent it from library...what, D can bring it for me..yes, he can, but i rather not answer his million questions.. Thanks to my hours and hours of being glued to youtube videos..i have seen product reviews for all makeup products and how to get a certain look. Learned all about detox and cleansing, was so motivated that wanted to get rid of toxins, heavy metals in my body right away, but realized, cant rush to the bathroom with my crutches..so have postponed it to a later date. Another good thing, that happened is, i am not spending as much, cant go shopping..but will shop with vengence as soon as i can walk on both feet.But i did hop to shoppers drug mart and bought a tinted moisturizer from physicans formula and a mocha kohl pencil from almay. Thanks to my browsing, i am now sticking as much as possible to dye free, paraben free makeup. And the fact that little A is showing interest in it , makes it very important that she doesnt get exposed to ahrsh chemicals so young. So, i am planning on making my own homemade kohl and lip stick/lip gloss...will tell how that goes.. So, that was it...Life is keeping me occupied..if i have time to spend, i am spending browsing the internet...what would have happened to me, if there was no internet...maybe i would have read a good book, did some floor exercises and meditate :)
Hmm...when sad things happen, they become bearable if you have company..But dealing with loss alone, is like a punishment. Hardest thing. I think this is the hardest time i have ever had experienced, never felt so vulnerable and lost before.
Trying to be a do-all mommy, putting up a brave front for parents and missing husband.Things take totally new meaning.Things that i took for granted for seem like luxuries, small day to day things seem difficult.
One thing i realized, i don't have lot of 2am friends in the city i live, who are just a call away to come running..man, i must be really bad at making friends. I cannot help but try to remember if i was compassionate and ready to run to help for my friends bad time. Actually i never helped until unless asked for. Realized now, that people in distress do not always ask for help openly.
Every incident, every situation changes the way you think, look at things, this one has a very profound change.Some relationships have shown their true color, how people expect other people to be there for them and when its their turn, are nowhere to be seen...bitter truth of life.
Hopefully i can bring the strength from within to live through this tough time.they say god gives difficulties to people who are able to deal with them.I am sure, i have it somewhere in me, to deal with all this, i just have to keep searching for that strength i guess.
Sitting at home, doing nothing.Trying to deal with the loss and waiting for the physical aspect of it to come to an end.I am ready for the pain to arrive and with it, take me totally out of this loss, and complete my grieving.But it seems to be taking its own sweet time.Well, who can rush the nature, it does what it has do, when it has to do.Meanwhile i decided to vent it out on my dear blog(which never complains!!!).
I am trying to be unattached and be pratical and believe that 'whatever happens, happens for good', but its hard not to introspect, hard not to find a reason to attribute to the loss.Its human nature I think to be able to find a reason for everything that happens. Well, i am trying to put to best use, the time i have. Wanted to do some retail therapy, but at this time and situation, dont think that will help. Yesterday spent a couple of hours, in a book store.Was at chapters, the sweet aroma of coffee and the abundance of books, always perks me up.But yesterday was different, i was wandering aimlessly in the store, scanning through books aisle after aisle. Went to the the 'Self help' section..'Change how you live' , 'A new you in 30 days' ,'Transform Yourself', were some of the titles, a smile broke out. How naive, can reading a book transform your life, can doing something someone asks you to do change your perspective. It may influence you to an extent but will not change you to be a better person. If you are experiencing a loss, when you read of other people having same loss and come through it, it gives you hope that you will come out of it too. But does it change how you look at life, does it change you as a person, its debatable.
I walked past that aisle and went to the biographies section and none compelled me to read their story, not M.K.Gandhi, not Hitler, not Nelson Mandela, their biographies at that time, did not seem appealing, given another time, i would be jumping at the sight of them.As my eyes scanned through, i saw the words 'I carry my cross' or something like that. It was either a book by musician or was a music album. My eyes did not want to know more that those words. How true were they . We all carry our cross, even Lord Jesus wasnt spared, he had to carry his own. And there i was, carrying my own cross, it felt a little heavy, but quitely i was trudging along with its weight on my shoulders and as i looked around, i saw people, heads into books, some staring at their laptops, some talking animatedly with a coffee in a hand and a very few, not doing anything. All of these people too were carrying their cross. We dont know what each person is going through, our pain looks the biggest.
I picked up biography of Steve Jobs and a book on Hatha Yoga, and when paying for it, decided to buy a couple of caramel candies, afterall the cross wasnt that heavy, that i couldnt eat a candy.
Well...i abuse my blog and am here when i need it and forget it conviniently when i dont. Today is one of those days.
I always thought i was in control of my life...i always did what i wanted and never let anyone impose anything on me.Me and my mother were always at logger heads because of this nature of mine. And I was shamelessly proud of my very independant and fierce nature.Well, the course of nature is ,that it shows everyone its place when the time is right.
So, it had to happen to me as well, call it nature/God, decided to show who the boss was and how my illusioned control over my life was just that..an illusion.When you read a lot of philosophical books, more or less, they all say, surrender to the nature and be happy in whatever condition and situation.And its that inability to surrender to the supreme decision maker that cause the pain and the grief.
I was told, the lesson is only given when the disciple is ready, looks like i am ready and the lesson is given.Now its upto me, to see if i will graciously accept the lesson and learn the moral, or will sulk and go the blaming route.I am putting a brave front and trying to surrender to the supreme , only time will tell if i am successful or not.
Oh no...i haven't forgotten my 30-days post-a-day deal, but somehow i am not able to find enough meat to write about everyday, for the fear of becoming boring, i decided to write when there is really something to write about. And today there is something i feel like writing about.
Virtual Relationships..i dint think much about them..they were virtual after all i thought, you don't see the person, you need to believe in the words in which he/she decides to portray himself/herself. I believed everyone wanted to paint a rosy picture about themselves, never would let the bad side peep through. Also maybe meeting some people i had very high opinion on in virtual life, was like flattening of a big inflated balloon with a small prick, when met in flesh and blood..some people live a double life, one for the virtual world and one for the real..So, all in all, virtual relationships, were a big Nayy for me
I surprised myself in the past few days,I actually felt very emotional for someone, i haven't seen, spoken or known personally, other than interacting over the world wide web. The pain and the struggle and the eventual happiness that was blessed to her, made me react the same way, i would react to a very close friend of mine. The feelings of feeling bad,as though disappointed by a long time friend, a deep emotional feeling when read about her reaction and a throat choking feeling when the long awaited dream came true. The 'me' who was a non-believer of virtual relationships was reacting like this.All these feelings for someone i have never met and don't see any chance of meeting in the near future, for all you know, we may never meet.
One is the person i mentioned about before who moved me emotionally and another is a another strong lady who has managed to bring tears to me eyes, though i never told her this and since she is a regular reader of this blog, i am sure, she knows i am talking about her.In the deepest of my heart, i have always wanted her to have all the happiness and the little angel in her life, all the love.
So, moral of the story..err post today is that human emotions, don't rely on real or virtual paltform. The feeling of bonding among people can happen even when you don't see them.You wish well for people who are not even remotely connected to you. Strange is the power of the world wide web and of human emotions.
PS:I shall be coming here to finish my Day 30 somehow, but until something strongly compels me to put my feelings into words, i wont come here just because i have to.So...i learnt a new thing about me, that my mother always says, 'Its very hard to impose anything on me' :). Darn, somehow mother's know everything.