Day 25 of 30

Sitting at home, doing nothing.Trying to deal with the loss and waiting for the physical aspect of it to come to an end.I am ready for the pain to arrive and with it, take me totally out of this loss, and complete my grieving.But it seems to be taking its own sweet time.Well, who can rush the nature, it does what it has do, when it has to do.Meanwhile i decided to vent it out on my dear blog(which never complains!!!).

I am trying to be unattached and be pratical and believe that 'whatever happens, happens for good', but its hard not to introspect, hard not to find a reason to attribute to the loss.Its human nature I think to be able to find a reason for everything that happens. Well, i am trying to put to best use, the time i have. Wanted to do some retail therapy, but at this time and situation, dont think that will help. Yesterday spent a couple of hours, in a book store.Was at chapters, the sweet aroma of coffee and the abundance of books, always perks me up.But yesterday was different, i was wandering aimlessly in the store, scanning through books aisle after aisle. Went to the the 'Self help' section..'Change how you live' , 'A new you in 30 days' ,'Transform Yourself', were some of the titles, a smile broke out. How naive, can reading a book transform your life, can doing something someone asks you to do change your perspective. It may influence you to an extent but will not change you to be a better person. If you are experiencing a loss, when you read of other people having same loss and come through it, it gives you hope that you will come out of it too. But does it change how you look at life, does it change you as a person, its debatable.

I walked past that aisle and went to the biographies section and none compelled me to read their story, not M.K.Gandhi, not Hitler, not Nelson Mandela, their biographies at that time, did not seem appealing, given another time, i would be jumping at the sight of them.As my eyes scanned through, i saw the words 'I carry my cross' or something like that. It was either a book by musician or was a music album. My eyes did not want to know more that those words. How true were they . We all carry our cross, even Lord Jesus wasnt spared, he had to carry his own. And there i was, carrying my own cross, it felt a little heavy, but quitely i was trudging along with its weight on my shoulders and as i looked around, i saw people, heads into books, some staring at their laptops, some talking animatedly with a coffee in a hand and a very few, not doing anything. All of these people too were carrying their cross. We dont know what each person is going through, our pain looks the biggest.

I picked up biography of Steve Jobs and a book on Hatha Yoga, and when paying for it, decided to buy a couple of caramel candies, afterall the cross wasnt that heavy, that i couldnt eat a candy.

Day 24 of 30

Well...i abuse my blog and am here when i need it and forget it conviniently when i dont. Today is one of those days.

I always thought i was in control of my life...i always did what i wanted and never let anyone impose anything on me.Me and my mother were always at logger heads because of this nature of mine. And I was shamelessly proud of my very independant and fierce nature.Well, the course of nature is ,that it shows everyone its place when the time is right.

So, it had to happen to me as well, call it nature/God, decided to show who the boss was and how my illusioned control over my life was just that..an illusion.When you read a lot of philosophical books, more or less, they all say, surrender to the nature and be happy in whatever condition and situation.And its that inability to surrender to the supreme decision maker that cause the pain and the grief.

I was told, the lesson is only given when the disciple is ready, looks like i am ready and the lesson is given.Now its upto me, to see if i will graciously accept the lesson and learn the moral, or will sulk and go the blaming route.I am putting a brave front and trying to surrender to the supreme , only time will tell if i am successful or not.

Day 23 of 30

Oh no...i haven't forgotten my 30-days post-a-day deal, but somehow i am not able to find enough meat to write about everyday, for the fear of becoming boring, i decided to write when there is really something to write about. And today there is something i feel like writing about.

Virtual Relationships..i dint think much about them..they were virtual after all i thought, you don't see the person, you need to believe in the words in which he/she decides to portray himself/herself. I believed everyone wanted to paint a rosy picture about themselves, never would let the bad side peep through. Also maybe meeting some people i had very high opinion on in virtual life, was like flattening of a big inflated balloon with a small prick, when met in flesh and blood..some people live a double life, one for the virtual world and one for the real..So, all in all, virtual relationships, were a big Nayy for me

I surprised myself in the past few days,I actually felt very emotional for someone, i haven't seen, spoken or known personally, other than interacting over the world wide web. The pain and the struggle and the eventual happiness that was blessed to her, made me react the same way, i would react to a very close friend of mine. The feelings of feeling bad,as though disappointed by a long time friend, a deep emotional feeling when read about her reaction and a throat choking feeling when the long awaited dream came true. The 'me' who was a non-believer of virtual relationships was reacting like this.All these feelings for someone i have never met and don't see any chance of meeting in the near future, for all you know, we may never meet.

One is the person i mentioned about before who moved me emotionally and another is a another strong lady who has managed to bring tears to me eyes, though i never told her this and since she is a regular reader of this blog, i am sure, she knows i am talking about her.In the deepest of my heart, i have always wanted her to have all the happiness and the little angel in her life, all the love.

So, moral of the story..err post today is that human emotions, don't rely on real or virtual paltform. The feeling of bonding among people can happen even when you don't see them.You wish well for people who are not even remotely connected to you. Strange is the power of the world wide web and of human emotions.

PS:I shall be coming here to finish my Day 30 somehow, but until something strongly compels me to put my feelings into words, i wont come here just because i have to.So...i learnt a new thing about me, that my mother always says, 'Its very hard to impose anything on me' :). Darn, somehow mother's know everything.

Day 22 of 30

When I was wondering what do i write for my blog..this topic came up to my mind and also was reminded of this with something i was reading my night time reading book(oh yes..i picked up another book!!!)

Education. And what has become of it. I did my schooling in the '80's and early '90's and went to a convent. It was the days when not everyone was either a engineer or a doctor, those were the days when parents wanted their kids educated unlike today where the parents monitor their kids grades with a fanatic approach. I have a couple of cousins about 12 yrs younger to me and i saw her schooling and felt very very sorry for them.

I am still not so familiar to North American approach of education, so i am talking mainly about India and specifically south India.

When i was at school, we had a subject called 'Moral Science' and i liked it a lot coz, there was no exam for this subject. It was basically to imbibe moral values in the children. How important it was, more important than maths and science. It is somehow forgotten that living with morals is as important as living as humans. As humans we are blessed with something called 'free will' and no one teaches us how to use it. One story i remember vividly even today is that of the woodcutter and the axe. what a great way to teach children that greed is no good.My cousins never had this subject. I feel sorry for them for all the valuable moral lessons they missed at the tender age, where they register in mind much faster and stay longer.

And we had 'Music' class...oh yes, and we were taught songs in different languages. Even if you sang in tune or not, it dint matter, we all at the top of voices repeated what our music teacher crooned. It was a great experience, no pressure to perform better or rather outperform others. I still remember some of the songs we learnt..one of the songs we learnt was 'eklaa chalo eklaa chalo' by rabindrantah tagore and another song is 'yee maro mathi..matti ke sumilo...'a assamese patriotic song...what a great way to introduce different languages of the country and help develop respect for all, as opposed to claiming each one's language greater than others..Oh well, my cousins did not have this class too...time is too precious to be spent singing is the motto of modern day schools

And we had another class 'SUPW/Needlework' , I don't quite remember what SUPW meant , but it was like the crafts class and yes 'needlework' meant that...everyone had to sew, no matter if you were a guy or girl...but our teacher did cut some slack and gave choice of sewing or crafts. I learnt my basic stitching skills in that class and now helps mend a broken button now and then.

And we had 'Games' class, this was to get out in the large playground we had and play a game of any choice..and no, we did have the choice to sit and talk under the trees, you had to be mobile. Thanks to that i played badminton and tried my hand at volleyball. wonderful way to keep everyone active and healthy.

We had drill every Wednesday when multiple classes were combined for the drill.
My cousin's schooling was carrying heavy books to school early in the morning and coming back home late in the evening, after Grade 7, you have no life. study all the time(mug the subjects to a point that you remember every line in the textbook), but no ability to apply it to a situation or in real life.What a waste of precious childhood and adolescence. The impression forming years are passed by without any education that will last a lifetime.

Back in my schooling days, on some days, some adventurous teachers to take the class outdoors, under the shade of the trees, my cousin's dint have that privilege, they don't even a single tree in the school premises and forget the playground.They are still not graduated yet and they have stress related problems, BP, tension and anxiety and the undue pressure of the parents to excel in maths or science is doing no good either. I was never a star student, 70% was great percentage for me, my cousins get over 95% and still are not happy and neither are their parents.

Sometimes i wonder if in the name of education, we are ruining childhoods and robbing them the opportunity to learn the life in the race to excel in maths and science. Shouldn't schools be a place a good human being is raised , shouldn't it be the place a teacher imparts knowledge in every thing essential to be a good person? Why is this little detail overlooked.

Now that i have a daughter who in a few years will be going to school, i wonder what education she would get....

Day 21 of 30

Oh well...i havent been sick all along...me and everyone else at home got better a while ago and neither did i abandon my 'project 30' that i had so enthusiastically started, but something else is taking my time and attention, wondering what , its 'man-eater of malgudi'. I havent been able to keep this book down, R.K.Narayan's simple yet very vivid descriptions kept me hooked. I usually write my blog, after dinner, when A sleeps and i have 'my time' for about 30-45 mins and now that time was hijacked by the 'man-eater of malgudi'. I finally finished the book yesterday night and am hoping, wont pick up any book until i finish my 30 days(well, thats the plan, but who knows!!!)

There were a few things i wanted to write when i was sick ,but dint feel like sitting in front of my computer, around the womens day, i came to know about a sorry state of a woman, and felt helpless at the fate of a woman and how another woman(man's love interest) was cause of it, and how another woman(mother in law) made it miserable and another woman(daughter) even in condition to help, was afraid and hoped the man would change.We all talk about how women needs to be empowered in our society and all the while we fail to see how woman is the reason for woman's anguish.Who can help, what can be done...the truth is, not the govt, not the society, its the woman herself who needs to decide how she was going to live. Is it going be as a victim or is it going to be as a survivor.The choice is given to all, some take it and dont care about the wrath of the world, and some dont and cry at their own fate.

Around the same time, was witnessing a discussion about a woman, by a bunch of other women..None were sparing her, the way she spoke was problem, the way she looked was a problem, the way she conducted her life was a problem. Who are we to judge? And how often do we see a group of men bitching about a man, talking about the clothes he wears, the way he speaks or the number of women he is rumoured to be seeing. Why its us, the woman who are so vocal about another woman, the poor lady dint do us any harm, it was purely our choice to look at her, hear her and then criticize her. And another interesting thing is, a lot of women who were judging this lady, were sympathizers of the woman i wrote above. We like to sympathize, offer solutions and in a second retort to finger pointing and using harsh words.Is it our genetic makeup , or are we inherently averse to other people's happiness?

I am blaming everyone including myself, coz i commented on the lady's way of speak and dressing. Only to realise after, why do i care? Its her life, why am i being the judge.Will i go and give her money when she needs it? Will i console her when crying? Will i feed her when hungry? If the answers are no, why is the answer Yes to 'Will i find fault with her?' . I always though i was a feminist and a strong supporter of woman and look at me, how unknowingly i was one of woman i attributed as the cause in the first cause, am i any less than the horrible MIL or the 'other woman' or the helpless daughter..Something for me to ponder over and correct.

Day 20 of 30

Still a little sick...not that my brain or my fingers dont work when i am sick, its just i dont feel like thinking anything... and without thinking how can i write...now dont ask me if all the junk i churn out is with thinking...


'Kavyakantha Ganapathi Muni' ..have you heard about this man before? It was in one of chaganti garu's discourses about ramana maharshi, i heard about him and was curious to know more and bought a book about him written by his grandson. I am wonder-stuck at how many wonderful people lived and walked India, it is not so long ago, early 1900's, and a man so spiritually inclined. I woould tell my mother before marriage and now D after marriage that i will go to Himalayas and sit in a cave and meditate and will never return(by now, they both figured, it is just a vain warning) and here this man would wander off and find a cave to meditate.

He did intense 'Tapas' and was a learned and a very highly accomplished spiritual person, an excellent astrologer, avadhaani, beautiful poet and a relentless freedom fighter. When we talk about India's freedom, only a few names comes up as forerunners leading the fight to freedom. But Ganapathi muni is the one who relied on spirituality and dhyaana to try to liberate the country from foreign rule. He give speeches motivating fellow Indians to participate in the struggle for freedom, so much so that the British empire had spies behind him and wanted to arrest him, they never could.

Its a shame how such accomplished people get lost in the books. They are like diamonds who need to be mined with great difficulty.
If you get a chance read about him.A poet extempore, earned the title 'Kavya Kantha' defeating a stalwart poet in Bengal.

He is a devoted disciple of Ramana Maharshi and what attracted to me most is how he explained 'sukhlaam bharadaram...' with respect to Ramana Maharshi. I could write here, the literal meaning of this sloka and his interpretation with respect to Ramana Maharshi. But wont, i want you to go and find out more about him and.

It is only in a millenia people such as him are born and blessed is Mother India, to have such a son.

Day 19 of 30

No..no.no..i havent given up on my 'project 30', but cough and cold blessed our family and we are currently being good hosts to these guests. To accompany that, sore throat came to see me, so in having to care for all these 'cant ignore' guests, i am having to neglect this project. As soon as these folks are gone, i will be back with my routine..