Battling the bulge

Ok, today i need my blog, more than it needs me. I know i have neglected it for the longest time, but now i need its help.Wondering how, well i need to loose weight, you ask whats new? , well i have started on a diet and want to be accountable to someone...and after a lot of thinking, i figured i can be accountable to all those who visit me blog( not that that's a great number!!) but in any case, the thought that someone is reading my achievements might give me that extra push to get leaner.

Down to business, i started on the south beach diet on Sunday( binged on biryani on Saturday!!!) , its a three phase diet, phase 1 apparently the hardest, no fruits and no cereals and grains, must include lots of protein. when i first read, i said to myself, how hard can this be...and there is a long list of vegetables allowed and to be avoided and what fruits allowed in what phase, the book has a pretty exhaustive list i must say, and with every revised edition, some modifications are made, earlier dairy was not included in phase 1, now 2-3 cups per day of low-fat and fat free daily is allowed.

To begin with, i must say, i am a very conscious eater, i don't eat a lot of junk food, away from the aerated drinks, try to eat well, but for more than a week i entered my meals in sparkspeople.com and realized i was eating very less protein and most of my meals were filled with carbs, though good. i don't eat white bread, always whole wheat or multigrain, i eat rice 2-3 times a week, eat quinoa,broken wheat. But the problem was the amount of protein was far less than it should be.

And the exercise part, you may ask, well i go to pilates class once a week, and try to do leslie sansone walking atleast 2-3 times a week, but with little one at home, its hard to get the exercise. I know i need to be little more disciplined if i were to loose weight,

I am hoping, getting on this diet will jumpstart my weightloss.

Before i proceed, i must set my goals, so at the end i know if i met them.Recommended BMI range is 19-25 and i am 28.3, so technically i am overweight. And my ideal weight must be within 104-137. I know 104 is un-realistic for me, 137 is on the border , so i am aiming at 125 pounds

My current weight - 155
Goal weight - 125
Total Weight loss - 30 pounds

Apart from tracking weight loss, i intend to track inches lost, i will do that on sparkspeople and will post it when i reach my target weight.

As per the book, most people loose from 8-13 pounds in the phase 1. I am not going to weight myself until the end of phase 1.Actually i have about 3 luncheons/dinners to attend in these 2 weeks, so will add a couple of days more and weigh myself on Oct 12 2010.And plan to start phase 2 on Oct 13 2010.

South beach phase 1 - Week 1

Day 1 , Sep 25, 2011 - Sunday..ate eggs for breakfast, chicken for lunch, snacked on almonds and towards the end of the day, not having rice was getting to me. I was offered chips, pop corn, i ate one of each(couldn't resist, had to taste them) . Snacked on roasted almonds. I had actually baked 3 chicken breasts previous night and freezed them. so on days when i too tired or busy to make lunch/dinner, i have my protein. Overall was not so bad yesterday, but i found myself, checking the book every time i had to eat something.
Good - pretty much ate according to the diet.
Bad - did not have salad. This diet recommends lots of raw veggies, as they need to burn more calories to be digested and hence you loose weight quicker.

Day 2 , Sep 26 2011 - Monday morning, woke up with really bad ear ache, must be the cold air i was in the previous night. Decided to take sick day and rest, i couldnt have concentrated on way anyways if i went to office. ate, omlette with one whole egg and a egg white, added some roasted veggies....i was hungry in about 2 hrs, i wondererd it was filling breakfast, how can i be hungry. snacked on roasted almonds...was feeling dizzy, couldnt get off the couch, not sure, if it was my ear ache or the lack of carbs that i was feeling dizzy, for a fleeting second i wanted to abandon this diet, i took a deep breath and said, it was for my good health, i had to stick to it, only the first 2 weeks are hard, then it'll get better. Had unsweetened black tea...then about 4pm, had another cup of tea, this time decided to add sugar. i know i am not supposed add sugar , but could use sugar free, but i dont beleive in them. I'd rather not dump chemicals in my body in the name of sugar free. Had salad for dinner.
Good - included raw veggies
Bad - 2 tsp sugar

Day 3 , Sep 27 2011 - Tuesday. Feeling better, my ear ache is gone.Dint have time to make breakfast, darn i should have planned last night. i am gonna make some breakfast options i can freeze. after coming to work, ate some chickpeas and fat free cheddar cheese slice. was very filling, dint feel like having my mid morning snack...lunch i had brought some tomato juice,chickpeas, roasted veggies and baked chicken. i was surprised i couldn't finish the lunch. other days, i could have finished it in a jiffy. Mid afternoon had cup of fat free buttermilk and dinner was baked fish and baked vegetables. i have to make sure, every meal has some protein in it. that's the idea behind this diet.
Good - included raw veggies, no sugar in my tea
Bad - ate late breakfast

Day 4, Sep 28 2011 - Wednesday .Woke up feeling a little hungry....don't know if i hadn't had enough dinner last night. Ate peanuts first thing in the morning and had one whole boiled egg and an egg white. today was a busy day at work. my lunch was interrupted by a meeting. ate celery sticks with fat free yogurt dip and the leftover from last night. Almonds for mid afternoon snack.Dinner, its veggie soup with some shrimp. I had a big bowl of soup and an hour later, i was feeling hungry, had another medium bowl of soup.Oh, forgot to mention had regular coffee,mid morning and added sugar free...darn i was too afraid having regular sugar will blow my diet.Feeling little low on energy. I wonder if i am not eating as much as i should.I am not hungry, but just not very energetic.
Good - Did not have the sugar
Bad - not enough veggies. Feel low on energy

Day 5, Sep 29 2011 - Thursday. Today is a vegetarian day and had to plan ahead to make sure, i have my bases covered, don't want hunger to prompt me to eat whatever is available. Ate celery sticks and cucumber dipped in fat free greek yogurt with a dash of chat masala...actually i love chat masala, for me it makes any food edible.Had mid morning coffee, added one pack sugar free and one pack brown sugar ...for snack, i had forgot to replenish my almonds stock in office,so had only 4 almonds left :( . Lunch salad and tofu . mid afternoon snack, small cup of cooked lentils with some 1% cottage cheese added.For dinner, tofu again. added some cucumber ,raw onion , lemon juice and chat masala, so it basically became tofu chat. and a glass of very diluted buttermilk..(remember i cant exceed 2-3 cups daily intake restriction)
Good - Woke up feeling light
Bad - still am having sugar...

I couldn't resist getting on the weighing machine...have lost 3lbs...it has given me encouragement to continue and stick to the foods this diet recommends.

Day 6, Sep 30 2011 - Friday Had leftover tofu for breakfast, D flatly declined to even taste it, he said he would have nothing of it. So i had to finish it. I forgot to bring my almonds, so had to skip the mid mornign snack and did not have my coffee either, for lunch, ihad chicken breast and salad at office cafeteria, ate salad withou the dressing.Made pesarattu for dinner. beans are allowed so mungs are ok, but the challenge was i am allowed on 1 tbsp of oil in a day and it will only last for one pesarattu. so i alternated my pesarattu and D's, on his i put little oil and mine none, the oil on the tawa was enough to cook it without getting stuck.{no, i dont have non-stick, i threw away all my non stick pots and pans 2 yrs ago, i have iron tawa} To go with it, i had made some ginger chutney.
Little A had some pesarattu too and D dint complain either..
Good - still on track
Bad - missing my snacks and still have not given up sugar 100%

Day 7, Oct 1 2011 - Saturday, come weekends, all the routine is gone. woke up late. had pesarattu for breakfast and tea made from 0.1% milk. had about 3/4 tsp sugar...am still not able to part with sugar. Weekends means going out, grocery shopping. laundry, playing with A, tolerating D...in all this meal planning gets pushed in the back. For lunch, i had some chickpeas and some frozen baked chicken i made earlier in the week. Had almonds for snack and for dinner..ah..well ..did not have dinner..it was too late by the time we came home and i dint have the energy to make any dinner and the thought of eating salad at the late hour dint look appetizing.
Good - dint get tempted when we went out.Was feeling tired, before going out, but i felt a surge of energy later, maybe fresh air did the trick.
Bad - missed dinner.

Day 8 , Oct 2 2011 - Sunday. Today is the party day. Breakfast had some chickpeas and veggie omlet, D made coffee, he forgot to use my 0.1% milk and used 2% instead and instead of 3/4 tbsp sugar, he put 2tbsp...well i dint complain..just had my coffee..Lunch was at a party, ate rice and sweet both. gave my dessert and ice cream to D. Came home, had ripe bananas dint want to throw them out, so made whole wheat banana and blue berry muffins for A and D and made healthy quiche, lots of veggies, 7 eggs and 5 egg whites..and got about 12 quiches. i could freeze them for quick dinner or breakfast. Had a couple of quiche for dinner.

Good - Hmmm...
Bad - ate carbs and 3.25% fat yoghurt.

I told myself, that i am not going to use the fact that i blew my diet at lunch to discontinue my diet...there is a couple more parties next week, cant avoid eating there, but at the other times, i am going to stick to my diet...and hope and pray that i still loose weight.

Why is it so?

Sometimes I write to get my thoughts across and sometimes I have something to share and there are times when i write to get the emotions and feelings out of my mind and onto a canvas and that makes me feel better.

Its almost midnight and i am not able to sleep. Reason, having to part with my darling daughter for a full 8 hrs everyday. the thought was terrifying, i kept not thinking about it, i kept telling myself, i will cross the bridge when i get to it. and now i am at the bridge and have to cross it and there are many questions raging in my head. The one that keeps reappearing is , should i not do it? or rather why should i do it? I grew up with my Mother round me until i was 3 and was sent to school. I am doing it 2 years earlier with my daughter. Everyone says i will get over it and when we both are adjusted to the new routine, it wont be feel as bad.But whatever anyone says, howmuch ever they assure that my daughter is going to learn social skills and learn a lot of new things i wont be able to teach her at home, my heart still wont forgive me. Its almost like i am committing a sin.

When i was in my 20's , i would say i will never stop working, its my identity, my independence blah blah blah..it still is, but somehow looks so unimportant compared to raising my child. I want a career as a Mommy (and wish money could grow on trees).I like it when it was simple back then, men brought food, women took care of home and kids. pretty simple right.But now,away from extended family, a desire to own material things and the drive to provide our kids with every comfort we can afford, both Mommy and Daddy need to go out and make money, leaving kids with strangers, who definitely don't love them as much as you do.

I hope i am doing the right thing. Hope my daughter will be OK without me.I hope I can forgive myself.

The lord of 7 Hills - be pleased please

Like any god fearing south Indian family, our in laws make sure we visit Tirupathi every time we visit india, well my FIL makes us visit many more shrines, and my parents match it with same enthusiasm , lest any God be angered, basically converting our india trip to a pilgrimage almost every time, but thats topic for another blog. I've been to Tirupathi about 5-6 times in my life so far, twice before being married into a Hindu family and mind you, these 2 trips were much earlier than I met D, so my connection with Mr.B (not Bachan, Mr.Balaji I mean) is not as a result of my holy matrimony. I also walked all the way upto tirumala twice. I like going there, there is just something magical about that place. I enjoy the walk more than the automobile ride, and hope my fitness levels allow me to do this for many more times to come.

With every visit, I want to go back more, there is a this unsatiable thirst to see the divine form of the God here.And every time its a different experience, well except for a couple of things. First thing being, 'The crowd' and the unruly way they will push you not withstanding the fact that its a temple and of all places on earth, this should be where you must seek peace and be polite. well , No, this not what happens, in the hurry to meet the Lord and to place their long list of requests , people just forget their manners. it irks me, when i stand in line with the solemn intenion of paying my respects to the Lord, I am pushed, elbowed, fallen upon. I wonder at times, is it test to my patience or does the lord want to see, if i will still return after going through this. I can say he has won, for after the darshan, everything is forgotten.I always jokingly say, Lord Balaji likes the rich and famous, for he meets them exclusively.For commoners like me and family, the struggle to catch a glimpse is long before over.

And another thing that is common in every visit is , the fight to find accomodation on the hill to share residence on the same heavenly abode as Lord Balaji. It always starts with a number of phone calls to all the people you know who might know someone who can help you get a decent accomodation. After pulling strings, and reminding people of the favors you did and clearly asking a favor in return, you are confirmed of a decent accomodation in the holy hill. I wonder always why cant it be straight forward, why cant i just be able to get the same accomodation and pay the same price without all the phone calls and asking for favors. Why does this need intervention of someone who can influence.You might ask, why cant you go stay in the free accomodation that TTD provides, well I hail from a middle class family, the class that cannot be rich and doesnt accept itself to be poor. And honestly since i never stayed in any of those free places, dont know how clean they are and how easily available they are.

The most recent visit, i was worried about long before we made the journey. The reason being we were going to take little A with us. There was a quick darshan for moms and infants,but the question was, if I had quick darshan, what will i do for hours that my family is waiting in the line. So a family decision was made to stick together. We bought the seeghra darshan ticket, and had to stand in line for a few hours. D was holding A, the crowd there dint care if there was a few months old baby , in their hurry they did what they did best, push. I was more worried about my daughter's safety, my mind was nowhere near calm and serene. I did yell at few people, made scornful faces at some, sighed at few more, but all that dint matter. Luckily A fell asleep and work up right near the entrance of the main temple. D held her on his shoulders and showed his daughter to Lord Balaji and in his heart said prayers for her.In all the pushing, pulling, i managed a one second glimpse at the Lord, for I was making sure my daughter was fine. After we came out, I realised I had seen the divine form of God for not long enough. But somehow that one second glance did etch the figure in my mind.Even if i wanted to see a little bit more,it was too late, i cant stand a few hours for another glimpse now.That was it for this visit.

I kept talking about how unfair it was not to let people take a proper look at their favorite deity after making long journeys, and standing for hours in the queue.My FIL kept smiling at my complaints.While we were having dinner at the restaurant, he slowly tapped on my hand
and showed me a writing on the wall. It said
"It is not the Darshan you get, It is the Darshan he gives"
that laid to rest all my complaining. Guess the test is to maintain calm amidst the chaos, politeness amidst the rude. It doesnt matter how long you visually see the divine form, one millioneth of the second is enough for the devotee who is there, just to be in presence of the divine, not with a long list of wishes.


One interesting thing to note is, In my 2nd visit I think, i saw an older gentleman , with long beard, green clothes, head covered in pagdi,looked like a muslim saint, sitting in the outer corridor and he seemed to be in meditation. I have never seen a muslim before in a hindu shrine, though the vice versa is more common. Spirituality and God transcends everything, including Religion.

So, Mr.B , when i meet you next time, it will be just you and me, inspite of the crowds, the pushing, the accomodation hassles. I will be glad i met you, rather than complain, how hard it was to meet you. I will experience the serenity and let go the madness around me.My anger, ego, impatience shall be surrendered at your feet.So until next time, 'be pleased' please.

Facing the Fa(c)t

Well, its time i face it. In my head it doesnt feel that way, but the truth is undeniable and so visible it cant be missed. How much ever i avoid the mirors, being in the pics, it does happen and for a fleeting moment i realise the fact and then go into denial again. Wondering what is it that i am avoiding like plague? its my weight...huh...there you go i said it.And yes I am fat, there is just no running away from it.


I avoid my old clothes, bought a truck load of new 'big' clothes. The signs were clear and i choose to clearly avoid them. when i go to buy clothes, there are not many that 'fit' me. People look at me as if i couldnt wait to get pregnant again and some couldnt hold it and asked if i was carrying again..i shrugged saying i havent lost the baby fat yet.D calls me a 'sumo'. My dad says he is worried about my health. My mom offers me her clothes now.My FIL says i need to get back to 'normal'. well how much ever i ignore the word 'normal', it sure screams 'loose some weight'.


The funny thing is , when you are not fat and look at overweight people, you cant seem to understand how they let themselves be so fat and not do anything about it..well now i know, its a vicious cycle, you are fat because you eat too much, then you are depressed you are fat and eat more for comfort and get more fatter...ah well for my reasoning and justfying my weight.its time to take my life in control and get my body back to its healthy self.

The fight against my fat is on, now that i have come to accept the fact that i am fat, it is easier to plan for losing it. I am watching what i am eating, trying to fit working out in my schedule, cant wait for the weather to get better, so I and A can get out and get some fresh air and i get to do some walking too.


Ok future, here i come,wait for a slimmer and sexier me ;). And the reason i am blogging this is, i hope my well meaning friends will keep reminding me of my weight and hopefully to avoid any embarassment i will try more harder.

Back from hiatus

Back from a looong trip to India..almost 3 months. Since this is supposed to be my travelogue I must write about it before i forget the finer details. Every time i visit india things are different,well here is whats changed this time

-- people are much older, my grandmother looks very old now, her health not getting any better and news of other older relatives getting surgeries and eating more pills

-- kids are little bit more grown up, my cousins who looked up to me growing up, wanted to wear my lipstick and nailpaint are now in college and making their own fashion statements :)

-- basic amenities are costlier, whoa this one was a shocker, every thing is soooo expensive, i wonder how a common man is managing. Eating out for a family one time can easily cost as much as the groceries for half a month, no I am not kidding

-- roads are crowded and more polluted, the number of cars seem to be increasing by the day.It takes forever to travel within the city

-- more TV channels, in telugu alone there are about million new channels(ok, million is an overstatement, but there are quite a few), covering everything from death of ant to international news..its both good and bad i think. My favorite channel is 'Vanitha', an exclusive womens channel

-- Life is getting more westernized.Sarees are now for the older generation or to be worn only on special occassions, and by the way the way saree is being draped is changing too.

-- Increased crowd in hospitals, every hospital, clinic i went to was jam packed...dint like this at all.Health problems seem to be on the raise, kids, young and old no-one is being spared. wonder what it is..and guess what ,the govt seem to have found a new avenue for revenue in this fact(proposed service tax on healthcare services).

Unlike other times i am ok with coming home to my adopted country, this time around, dint feel like coming. Felt i was leaving home all over again.Had to come with heavy heart, it was as if i was not missing India for me, I was missing it for A as well. The thought that she was going to miss unconditional love of grandparents, miss company of cousins, miss affection of uncle and aunt and miss a peck on cheek from complete strangers. Well, I wont be lying if I wanted to move back. For a week after my arrival to TO I bugged D with different options of going back to India. He gave me a million reasons why we should stay here.And can you believe what the top reason was 'We cant afford to live in India', well as much as sad it is, it is true. To be able to live the way we want to,it costs a bomb.We cant clearly afford a house there esp in the city we want to live. And we dont know nothing but work with computers and there are no companies in small towns :( .I am now thinking of developing a skill that can give me employment even in a small town...how about farming...hmmmm....interesting but cant afford it too, agricultural land costs a few crores. Well, as I continue to scheme , D says I will get over it. maybe i will, maybe i wont.

Its strange how people out of India yearn for India, while the ones in it look for opportunities to move out. Thats the irony of life, you are never happy with what you have, you always feel that the grass is greener on the other side. For now, I must learn to be happy in my adopted country and learn to be content with whatever life offers.On that note, i'll take your leave...Hope all of you had a great new year and are having wonderful year so far..